Category Archives: This concerns YOU!

Older and, hopefully, wiser

I’m not going to use any gimmicks in this post. No protracted sentences. No loquaciousness. No references only understandable to certain people. It will just be my attempt at simple, straight, hard facts.

I have often complained of how life throws shit in my face. Whined in wangst at fate and the tortures it puts me through. And I did nothing about it.

A mining analogy:

We are all digging for gold, diamonds and other gems (ideological and literal) to enrich our lives. And some of us happen to hit a drainage pipe and end up with a pile of shit in our beloved gold mines. I am one of these people. People try to assist you out of this (in this analogy, literal, but otherwise metaphorical) shithole. And I was no different. Except that I didn’t use them to get out. Rather, I almost pulled them in.

Now, I’m through.

If I whine again, shoot me.

It is time for action.

But first… A few words which I have to make known public.

The people I knew while I wrote this blog over the past 4 years have defined this era of my life. An era that is reaching its end. And they deserve my thanks. I will not hide any details, by the way. If anyone here would like me to; say so and I will give you my id and password for WordPress. Knock yourselves out.

First, and most important:

Monisha Vemavarapu: Venom, SuperMon and a million sobriquets. No one has influenced me as much as she. Currently in London on an exchange program, she is dating a large, oafish, somewhat paranoid, whiny, self-obsessed and neurotic nutbag. I feel that she perhaps deserves better; but she’s a wiser judge of such things than I am. No one I have ever known has ever evolved so much so quickly. When I first was re-acquainted with her, she was a wild, kranti-kari, ultra-modernist pseudo-hippie. She is now one of the most level-headed determined and pragmatically intelligent people I know. I will be frank: When I first met her, both online and in person, I felt I was the superior individual. But I must now concede this title to her. She has proven herself to be a most fascinating person and one who accepts a random destiny with an élan that I wish I possessed. Monisha is one of those people who you just know will not fade quietly into the night, and will leave a mark on the world. I find my vocabulary failing me in my attempts to describe how happy I am to have known, and know, this singularly unique individual. I sincerely hope that we will never become strangers through providence or (more likely) some ridiculous action of mine.

Nimish Batra: After working at Infosys Technologies in Bangalore, Nimish is now pursuing a Master’s degree at the University of Florida. Nimish’s jesting misanthropy was what really resulted in our ever becoming friends. We shared in our fandom for Douglas Adams, I introduced him to Radiohead, and he introduced me to Monty Python. But in our protracted one-downmanship contests, (held periodically over the internet, the telephone and in person) I believe I learnt a lot. And perhaps too much. I appreciate and respect him for a lot of things, but I must say that what applies to me in a large measure applies to you too… Stop whining. Shut up and live. The thing about Nimish that few people get is that he is a genuinely warm-hearted person. Try visiting his home in South Ex, and be amazed at the hospitality shown by him and his family. One part of his brain has the capacity to make him do what’s necessary and drag him across the finish line while the other part is kicking and screaming. As long as that former part dominates the latter, he has nothing to worry about. Genuinely.

Dinesh Kapur: Decay is currently working in Gurgaon for a sustainable ventures firm whose name I can never remember, but it starts with a W. (edit: WinRock! It’s WinRock!) His George Best old-school footballing skills are no longer useful to him in the modern game much like my Karl Marx old-school thinking skills are of no use to me in the modern world. As I’ve often said; this man is a kindred spirit. We’re almost alter-egos of each other. Decay is someone who I can trust to understand my point of view on a matter, usually because he’s been there before. Like Monisha, Dinesh is someone who I feel is destined for far bigger things in life than he can possibly see now. And like Monisha, is an individual in possession of far too many talents, such that it looks unfair to the rest of us.

Anupam Guha: After a successful stint at the Georgia Institute of Technology (where he completed a 2-year Master’s course in a year with a perfect 4.0 CGPA), Guha is currently in Ahmadabad, working for a company that pays him to essentially be their poster-boy. His relationship with Anupama (who I’ve never met properly) was much joked about (my contribution was the idea for “Anupam (1+a)” wedding cards) in college. Oddly enough, it appears to be highly likely that theirs’ will be the first marriage of a friend that I will be a guest of. The conversations on every topic under and beyond the sun were, and still remain, much appreciated. Even the ones where we vehemently disagree. And his conviction to “save” me and show me that humanity is worth saving might just pay off. The path of the wannabe Bushido-ist is fraught with many perils, I joked of him. Well it appears that he intends on making these words an eerie prophecy. Much like a Katana, he has forged his tamahagane worldviews by repeatedly putting it through fire, folding it and beating the shit of it. And that’s why Guha will probably end up as that rarest species of all: A happy, intelligent man who is satisfied with his life and the world he is living in. Or we’ll embark on our plan for revolution. He’ll be Trotsky, I’ll be Stalin… Minus the backstabbing, of course.

Ashwin Murali: After half a year of working 80-90 hour weeks at Citibank, he’s now at his palatial penthouse in Nasik preparing for a second MBA. Ashwin’s greatest trait as a friend has been his ability to listen to me constantly abuse, demote, shout at, vilify and generally insult him for over 3 years with a patient nod and that irritatingly reassuring stupid smile. He set me off on a tangential path in my worldview, for which I still hate him by the way, but it might perhaps lead to a better future. You better hope it does bro.

Akhil Garg: Working at Accenture in Hyderabad, his tryst with the Alagappa family continues as my sister was his HR rep as a trainee. We have both learnt, very late, that we weren’t as bad roommates to have as we thought. Perhaps immaturity came between what could’ve been a far more rewarding friendship for us.

Swati, Priya and Ankur: Swati is working with Wipro in Bangalore while Priya is doing her Master’s at the University of Sussex, I believe. Ankur is doing his Master’s at IIT Kharagpur. I drove you guys away from me in a fit of madness and have regretted that decision since. My yet unfinished college life would have been far better if I had not done that.

Nitesh Bhasin: The entrepreneur and fellow backlogger. We really dump on you more than you deserve. The fact remains that if you hadn’t taken the effort of befriending me in IP University that day, I wouldn’t have gotten to know a lot of the people mentioned here. You’ll either end up in jail or in Forbes. Have fun in Vegas.

M.V. Harish: Another man at Georgia Tech, here’s to perpetuating the “crazy Telugu mofo” image with me. Keep it real with the brothas in the hood in Atlanta. We’ll meet up in a gun shop or seedy beer bar someday.

Many others ought to feature in this list, but I feel it has become so sappy, your monitors might have started leaking already; so wait for another epiphany and moment of emo-ness.

Seriously, I have so many epiphanies; it’s hard to tell which ones are genuine.

Oh, and I almost to mention… This post formally ends this blog. There will be no more posting on Chaosverse any longer. Frankly, I would like some order. Unpredictability and randomness are, as always, welcome; but I’ve had it with the chaos.

I would like to delete this blog, but perhaps will save it. Someday, the people mentioned in this post will look back and this and other posts and laugh at the naivety, stupidity, folly, and immaturity on display.


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The presence of an absence

I’m bad at pretty much everything, but I’m exceptionally bad at social activities. I have always been under the impression that people prefer the presence of my absence. It’s not dissimilar to the sequence from Black Adder the Third, where Baldrick explains why he thinks his first name is “sod off“.

When I was a child and playing in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes “Hello, my name’s Baldrick,” and they would reply, “Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick!”

This is usually okay with me. But the strange bit is when I start receiving evidence to the contrary. So, the idea that the reaction (not exactly prevalent everywhere, but prevalent nevertheless) to the presence of my absence is not indifference but rather a very slight amount of sadness is… surprising, gratifying and also frustrating.

Surprising because… Hell, I never expected people to miss me! It’s such new and unusual territory!

Gratifying. That’s obvious isn’t it?

Frustrating… Because it is not only one-sided. And more importantly, WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS SHORT ON CASH?!

This is new. I miss someone pretty badly. And I’m doing nothing to alleviate the situation. Yeah, ain’t I just great? Goddam it, I feel so inadequate right now. It’s pathetic, pitiful and also true. What I need is a vacation! Ankur’s not enjoying Himachal, so I guess I better keep away. Question is, where do I go? A lot of places come to mind: Leh, Agra, Varanasi, Hyderabad, Vishakapatnam et cetera. 

This weekend is perhaps the best one I’ve had since the end of May! Today was a great afternoon spent in the company (cum panis heh heh heh) of friends, rum, butter chicken and a joke involving a girl mispronouncing the last word in the sentence “I want a Large Coke”; whereas tomorrow is some free Pizza and Beer at Gurgaon. After that, it’s back to the old charade of summer training. Sec-37 to sec-125 and back.

As for the bloc and this thing here… I guess I’m going to stick around and try to beat it. The problem is that I do not truly understand why I blog.


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Mental MP3 Attacks Again!

My mood can usually be encapsulated by studying which songs are playing in my head. And since last night, it’s been the same damn song. This one. Which is odd because House or Dance Electronica isn’t what you’ll usually catch me listening to. Though I can’t say I despise it. I have nothing against any genre, actually. (Except Bubblegum Pop. I HATE THOSE FUCKING BUBBLEGUM POP MORONS!)

So, yeah, I guess that does express what’s the state of the thing formerly known as my mind. I know it’s kind of lujjar-esque lyrically, but it’s not that bad. There are, in fact, very few songs that deal with that topic and do not have lujjar-esque lyrics. My personal favorite is…

You can laugh, a spineless laugh. We hope your rules and wisdom choke you. For now we are one, in everlasting peace. We hope that you choke. That you choke.

Strangely enough, the song that did occupy my mind until this one replaced it does not immediately give one any hint as to what my state of mind was then. So, Mars bar to anyone who can tell me. The song is what Terrance and Phillip sing in their maiden appearance on American television on the Ed Sullivan show. (Check out Season 5 ep.5 ‘Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow‘)

Till then… ‘Days Go By…’


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Two down…

You all did see that on the Lupercal
I thrice presented him a kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.

Twice, in my case. No problem: Time is on your side, Its on your side now. Not pushing you down and all around. It’s no cause for concern.

I usually deal with people in a manner similar to how Krishna dealt with Shishupal, give them an unspecified number of chances before actually doing anything (As Judiciary Pag LIVR a.k.a. Zipo Bibrok 5 × 108 says, “Well, they’re entitled to an opinion? Right?“).

I make NO exceptions, do you hear me? None. So, two down… how many to go?

Ah… well… Seeing that you are not merely a first-order perturbation as most people are, but a higher-order derivation (maybe 4.2th?)… the coupling constant and stuff like that result in my quantum field theory giving this answer. That’s how many chances you get.

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The Unbearable Lightness of Being… ME!

Are you dead? Do you have no feelings? You’re just EVIL!
~ A 13-year old girl at Bethany High. (My friend remarked, “Evil… thy name is Harish!”)

Harish, sometimes you’re so… cold. As if what hurts everyone else does nothing to you. It’s frightening.
~ My High School English teacher’s most passionate assessment of me.

In theory, I should feel hurt.

In theory.

If I were like everyone else, I’d be devastated.

If I were like everyone else.

“It is a fool’s prerogative to utter truths that no one else will speak.” ~ Neil Gaiman.

I’ve always maintained that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s get one thing VERY clear here. I do not fear the truth. Nicholson’s famous line does not apply to me. Pessimistic? No. I’m a realist. The world’s a pretty fucked up place. Knowing where you stand, keeping your ego out of the equation and building what my roommate calls, “The Great Titanium Wall Of Alagappa” around yourself pays. That’s why I’m not hurt. That’s why I can shrug my shoulders and go, “Eh. Whatever.” and move on.

By Jove, am I proud of that!

Harish to Life: “Is that all you got? Pfft! Come on, buddy… Is that ALL YOU GOT???”

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Working title: In Lucknow Alternative title: Two cellphones, No pockets…

Am with the folks in Lucknow. Again… had a lot to say which I muttered to myself as I walked to the cyber cafe and now can’t type anything. I am seriously going to get myself a portable recorder.

Met my relatives after a long time. I’m the “grey sheep” of the family acc. to my mom. The comment doing the rounds was that I cut my hair and look ‘somewhat presentable’ now. <sarcasm>Great!</sarcasm>

Die Batra Wird (TBB in Deutsch) and thou are coming up with lines to fill in the blanks of the T-shirt below (diwali gift, anyone?)

Will post them ideas later. Give some of your own.

I’m strangely at peace with myself. The relaxing early morning train journey (I was in quite a luxurious train) sort of cleared my head up. I met my parents and am far more open to staying here, for a few days, than I was back in July. The reasons for my reluctance back then were quite obvious, of course. I wanted to stay in Bangalore. I still want to stay in Bangalore. So what keeps me back in Delhi? Some say a vibrant social life, but Bangalore’s is better. And besides, travel is a royal pain here. I have made good friends here, but have friends there too. I guess there is no reason why I’m here. I’m just here. So, to anyone I know personally… I’m in Delhi just because of YOU!

Am I happy? I don’t know. I’m active. And that’s rare. As a consequence, I did some weird stuff today morning. I read 50 pages of a book that I didn’t touch ever since I borrowed it from the British Council library 3 weeks ago! Of course, it’s a 1,165-page book so another 1,115 to go! I made my special extra-strong extra-sweet are you insane??™ coffee. I saw Discovery Travel and Living and came to the conclusion that lifestyle channels crush the spirit of the viewer by making them realize what an amazing life it is that they’re missing. I am not able to sit down. I played football with cushions and shadow boxed. I jumped around and did a semi-dance, half-jig, quarter madman hop.

I turned the TV off and listened to the sounds of my surroudings. Housewives gossiping before their 2-year-old kid starts to cry and their mother-in-law nagging them (no wonder girls are strange and freaky and behave in ways that seem completely incomprehensible (to me). If that’s the life they have to look forward to… might as well utilize all their free will right now!). Went outside and saw primary school kids come home. I’m not scared of them, suddenly. It dawned on me that I too was once like them and the unspoken “I’m scared of you, you’re scared of me. Let’s leave like that” agreement with them was lost. I forgot all about Noida and college and life as an “adult” or indeed, as a teenager! I wasn’t tempted to have a go at my Dad’s whiskey collection (drinking is BAD, right?). Memories of childhood rushed back and were gone equally as fast. I was on the fourth floor of St. Andrew’s looking at the HUGE ground and laughing to myself. I was hiding from the PT teacher at Clarence in the one place he’s never going to check… the literature section of the library. I was in Bethany, pulling the “I’m in the basketball team, give me those chips” trick on a guy in the basketball team by telling him, “You’re in the basketball team, give me those chips” and walking away confident that by the time he figures out what I did I’ll be in class. Strange, jes?

Also started some heavy-duty (by my standards) fashionista behavior. Gave myself a strange shave (“soul patch” with a thin Salvador Dali-esque moustache that doesn’t quite reach the end of the lip). Decided to cut my hair. Then decided not to. Decided that I LIKE the fact that my entire wardrobe is either black, blue or red. Decided to wear only black and red from now on.

Went to the market with 20 bucks in my pocket. Something I would never do in Noida (can’t go out without a min. 100 rupees). Had 5-rupee street food and a 3-rupee bunta (a drink that’ll cure your gastroentisis and induce jaundice).

I don’t know what it is… I feel different. Like I’ve come to terms with my paranoid neuroticism. As if I shouldn’t be embarassed of myself and my contradictions. Most strangely, though, I’ve realized that there are some people who I genuinely care about and I AM capable of emotions. Now whether that’s a good thing or not is something I’ve not figured out.

P.S: This post hasn’t come out very well because I lost my train of thought by the time I reached the cyber cafe and the keyboard I’m typing at is shit and caused me to make a gazillion typos and I’m hitting it so hard that my fingers hurt.

P.P.S: Ye in Agra… found a place yet?


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Only Superstition…

Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!
~ Me.

According to popular belief, especially in the Japanese culture, a sneeze without an obvious cause is a sign that someone is talking about you.

I have been sneezing repeatedly without any rhyme or reason. I doubt if I have a sneezing fetish or suffer from any disease, so that leaves me with a very simple question:

Who the hell is talking about me? And what on earth are you saying??? 


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