Category Archives: The “Gentler” Sex? Yeah Right

Older and, hopefully, wiser

I’m not going to use any gimmicks in this post. No protracted sentences. No loquaciousness. No references only understandable to certain people. It will just be my attempt at simple, straight, hard facts.

I have often complained of how life throws shit in my face. Whined in wangst at fate and the tortures it puts me through. And I did nothing about it.

A mining analogy:

We are all digging for gold, diamonds and other gems (ideological and literal) to enrich our lives. And some of us happen to hit a drainage pipe and end up with a pile of shit in our beloved gold mines. I am one of these people. People try to assist you out of this (in this analogy, literal, but otherwise metaphorical) shithole. And I was no different. Except that I didn’t use them to get out. Rather, I almost pulled them in.

Now, I’m through.

If I whine again, shoot me.

It is time for action.

But first… A few words which I have to make known public.

The people I knew while I wrote this blog over the past 4 years have defined this era of my life. An era that is reaching its end. And they deserve my thanks. I will not hide any details, by the way. If anyone here would like me to; say so and I will give you my id and password for WordPress. Knock yourselves out.

First, and most important:

Monisha Vemavarapu: Venom, SuperMon and a million sobriquets. No one has influenced me as much as she. Currently in London on an exchange program, she is dating a large, oafish, somewhat paranoid, whiny, self-obsessed and neurotic nutbag. I feel that she perhaps deserves better; but she’s a wiser judge of such things than I am. No one I have ever known has ever evolved so much so quickly. When I first was re-acquainted with her, she was a wild, kranti-kari, ultra-modernist pseudo-hippie. She is now one of the most level-headed determined and pragmatically intelligent people I know. I will be frank: When I first met her, both online and in person, I felt I was the superior individual. But I must now concede this title to her. She has proven herself to be a most fascinating person and one who accepts a random destiny with an élan that I wish I possessed. Monisha is one of those people who you just know will not fade quietly into the night, and will leave a mark on the world. I find my vocabulary failing me in my attempts to describe how happy I am to have known, and know, this singularly unique individual. I sincerely hope that we will never become strangers through providence or (more likely) some ridiculous action of mine.

Nimish Batra: After working at Infosys Technologies in Bangalore, Nimish is now pursuing a Master’s degree at the University of Florida. Nimish’s jesting misanthropy was what really resulted in our ever becoming friends. We shared in our fandom for Douglas Adams, I introduced him to Radiohead, and he introduced me to Monty Python. But in our protracted one-downmanship contests, (held periodically over the internet, the telephone and in person) I believe I learnt a lot. And perhaps too much. I appreciate and respect him for a lot of things, but I must say that what applies to me in a large measure applies to you too… Stop whining. Shut up and live. The thing about Nimish that few people get is that he is a genuinely warm-hearted person. Try visiting his home in South Ex, and be amazed at the hospitality shown by him and his family. One part of his brain has the capacity to make him do what’s necessary and drag him across the finish line while the other part is kicking and screaming. As long as that former part dominates the latter, he has nothing to worry about. Genuinely.

Dinesh Kapur: Decay is currently working in Gurgaon for a sustainable ventures firm whose name I can never remember, but it starts with a W. (edit: WinRock! It’s WinRock!) His George Best old-school footballing skills are no longer useful to him in the modern game much like my Karl Marx old-school thinking skills are of no use to me in the modern world. As I’ve often said; this man is a kindred spirit. We’re almost alter-egos of each other. Decay is someone who I can trust to understand my point of view on a matter, usually because he’s been there before. Like Monisha, Dinesh is someone who I feel is destined for far bigger things in life than he can possibly see now. And like Monisha, is an individual in possession of far too many talents, such that it looks unfair to the rest of us.

Anupam Guha: After a successful stint at the Georgia Institute of Technology (where he completed a 2-year Master’s course in a year with a perfect 4.0 CGPA), Guha is currently in Ahmadabad, working for a company that pays him to essentially be their poster-boy. His relationship with Anupama (who I’ve never met properly) was much joked about (my contribution was the idea for “Anupam (1+a)” wedding cards) in college. Oddly enough, it appears to be highly likely that theirs’ will be the first marriage of a friend that I will be a guest of. The conversations on every topic under and beyond the sun were, and still remain, much appreciated. Even the ones where we vehemently disagree. And his conviction to “save” me and show me that humanity is worth saving might just pay off. The path of the wannabe Bushido-ist is fraught with many perils, I joked of him. Well it appears that he intends on making these words an eerie prophecy. Much like a Katana, he has forged his tamahagane worldviews by repeatedly putting it through fire, folding it and beating the shit of it. And that’s why Guha will probably end up as that rarest species of all: A happy, intelligent man who is satisfied with his life and the world he is living in. Or we’ll embark on our plan for revolution. He’ll be Trotsky, I’ll be Stalin… Minus the backstabbing, of course.

Ashwin Murali: After half a year of working 80-90 hour weeks at Citibank, he’s now at his palatial penthouse in Nasik preparing for a second MBA. Ashwin’s greatest trait as a friend has been his ability to listen to me constantly abuse, demote, shout at, vilify and generally insult him for over 3 years with a patient nod and that irritatingly reassuring stupid smile. He set me off on a tangential path in my worldview, for which I still hate him by the way, but it might perhaps lead to a better future. You better hope it does bro.

Akhil Garg: Working at Accenture in Hyderabad, his tryst with the Alagappa family continues as my sister was his HR rep as a trainee. We have both learnt, very late, that we weren’t as bad roommates to have as we thought. Perhaps immaturity came between what could’ve been a far more rewarding friendship for us.

Swati, Priya and Ankur: Swati is working with Wipro in Bangalore while Priya is doing her Master’s at the University of Sussex, I believe. Ankur is doing his Master’s at IIT Kharagpur. I drove you guys away from me in a fit of madness and have regretted that decision since. My yet unfinished college life would have been far better if I had not done that.

Nitesh Bhasin: The entrepreneur and fellow backlogger. We really dump on you more than you deserve. The fact remains that if you hadn’t taken the effort of befriending me in IP University that day, I wouldn’t have gotten to know a lot of the people mentioned here. You’ll either end up in jail or in Forbes. Have fun in Vegas.

M.V. Harish: Another man at Georgia Tech, here’s to perpetuating the “crazy Telugu mofo” image with me. Keep it real with the brothas in the hood in Atlanta. We’ll meet up in a gun shop or seedy beer bar someday.

Many others ought to feature in this list, but I feel it has become so sappy, your monitors might have started leaking already; so wait for another epiphany and moment of emo-ness.

Seriously, I have so many epiphanies; it’s hard to tell which ones are genuine.

Oh, and I almost to mention… This post formally ends this blog. There will be no more posting on Chaosverse any longer. Frankly, I would like some order. Unpredictability and randomness are, as always, welcome; but I’ve had it with the chaos.

I would like to delete this blog, but perhaps will save it. Someday, the people mentioned in this post will look back and this and other posts and laugh at the naivety, stupidity, folly, and immaturity on display.

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Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to… someone or the other

It must be Saturday.

I can never get the hang of Saturday.

They go well. Or weirdly. Sometimes, like today for instance, it’s both.

Woke up late! This is the first weekend I’ve had in a long, long time. The ones till now were ruined by cleaning up after a drunken night with a huge hangover, going to pointless college fests, internals, the trip et cetera. But today was a blank slate. I have nothing to do. Absolutely nothing! Ah!!!

Played basketball after a long time. Dressed like a fool. I couldn’t care less. Had loads of fun.

Met a random person and bought them dinner. Had a nice evening. But… something felt strange. There’s no way to explain it except for an analogy:

It’s like someone’s trying to understand the Standard Model immediately after reading the Copenhagen Interpretation.

Things got weirder:

I got down from the bus at AIIMS and plugged in the mp3 player. It starts off with the lines:

(…) looks like the real thing
Tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

I then walked for an hour from “Rajnigandha Chowk” to ‘ma crib/hizze’ in sector-49, listening to The Bends in album repeat. Usually, I skip three songs (this one, this one aaaanddd… this one). This time I skipped this one.

I feel… unusual.

Intelligence is the ability to articulate one’s stupidity.

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Define the term “Funny” (barah number)

Try out Dinesh Kapur’s blog, ‘Epicenter’. He’s in good form right now.

And now, the post.

Why is one form of humor supposedly superior to another? I, for one, try to appreciate them all. Right from the subtle verbosity of Wodehouse, to the far-out puns of Douglas Adams and the clip I’m giving you.

Yes, ladies. Deep down inside, every Indian boy nodded his head in silent agreement when he saw this scene. We’re a one billion plus population, how do you think we got there?

Brilliant performance by Kal Penn.

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Life, the Universe and a short attention span

  • “Hey Joe…. Where the fuck are you going with that gun in your hand??? I said, Hey Joe…. Where the fuck are you going with that gun in your hand??? I’m gonna shoot my lady… I caught her messing around with another man”
  • “Everyyyythiiiiiiinnnnngggggg…. Evvveeerrryyythhiiiinnngggg’s In It’s Riiiiiight Place. Riiiiiight Place. Everrryythiii…. Iiiiiiinnnnnn…. Nnnnnn….gggggg…. Every-….. nnnnn…..”

The loss of sensory inhibition. One of the most amazing feelings that you will ever experience. Add Jimi and Radiohead and you’re in temporary temporal heaven.

Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon. I know I shouldn’t, but hell… ‘twas enough. ‘Twill do.

Girls. Allow me to paraphrase the great Homer Jay in saying, “Feminine gender. The cause of and cure to all of life’s problems.” Nineteen years where I was only a spectator to the great drama of relationships went by with me believing that there are bigger things in life. Now as an active participant in this charade, I still feel that there are bigger things in life, but having trouble in the realm of relationshits coupled with a GPA that’s two point eight points below where it ought to be for your ability AND the fact that you’re nineteen and still haven’t mastered Gauge Theory, Abelian Group Theory, the Standard Model, Supersymmetry and the Higgs Mechanism and the compounded pain in the anal orifice that none of this is in your academic syllabus… yup it’s the final icing on the shit-cake that’s your life.

Ashwin tries to make me feel better by pointing out what’s good in my life. Buddy… being in Mensa and having a supposedly 99% percentile IQ, coming second repeatedly in quizzes and minor debates and being a whorehouse of worthless intelligence counts for dick when you’re a slacker seven-point-something B.Tech in Aerospace Engineering from Amity University.

I see dead people. They’re everywhere. Most of them don’t know they’re dead.

Can I dare to say that I feel like Winston Smith + Yossarian + (alright, Ankur…) Howard Roark?

Missed the selection round for NatGeo Genius- India. Was due to start in Gurgaon at around the time I woke up. By 1530, I was at Lado Sarai, but there was no chance of me making it. 3rd semester’s almost up. Didn’t go well AT ALL. Planning to move to the hostel next year. Most of my friends are there, anyways.

Watching ‘Van Wilder’ and ‘Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj’ along with videos of Russell Peters, Gabriel Iglesias and Dave Atell. Guys, if you ever find a girl who simultaneously enjoys movies like Van Wilder, 300 and Good Will Hunting… don’t lose her. Ever.

Saw Beowulf. Huge disappointment. Great CGI, though.

The problem with my promised post on relationships and sex et all… wrote it on the computer that’s in the Aerospace Engineering Lab (which attracts the gaze of students from the Fashion Tech department as they go from the Garment Construction Lab to the cafeteria and back). Server was down, so couldn’t post it. I come back the next day and poof! Vanished without a fucking trace!

I’ll try again, though. Next post, promise.

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“Beauty” and Eddies In The Spacetime Continuum

A Snickers bar awaits ye who can fully comprehend the multi-referential nature of the title.

Is it a boon or a curse? That’s something I’ve been asking myself ever since I’ve suddenly hit a purple patch in girls colleges at DU. Yeah, I get to show off my (*cough*) intellect and gab in front of the “Hot ladkis of Dilli da University”, but what’s the point? That doesn’t impress them as much as a face that resembles Daniel Radcliffe. In fact, that doesn’t impress them AT ALL! The latest victim was Kamala Nehru College, Siri Fort Road, New Delhi.

It was a strange coincidence that DK (known variously as Drift King, DicKhead, Donkey Kong, Debate King and on rare occasions as Dinesh Kapur) and I made a clean sweep of the KNC Debate on the 14th of November (14th November = Jawaharlal Nehru’s Birthday… Kamala Nehru is J’Lal’s awfully wedded wife). To be honest, it was a no-contest. The topic, “Canon-formation is irrelevant in a globalized market”, was brilliant (once I understood it!) and I felt kind of sad that it was wasted on such a miserable congregation. What did make the victory sweet was that I turned up there not even knowing what “Canon-formation” meant. Still, we spoke and walked away with the following prizes:

· Best Team

· Best Individual Speaker: Dinesh Kapur (Damn it! His cute looks did me in, I tells you!!!)

· IInd Best Individual Speaker: Me. (I’m in this 2nd place rut. Victory somehow always eludes me!!!)

· Best Interjector: Me, again. (This is a prize I have almost reserved for myself at the few dumbass debates I attend) Note: MS Word doesn’t recognize the word lameass, but recognizes dumbass!

I also did the winships in Creative Writing Contest.
Whilst walking away from KNC, we passed by the Siri Fort auditorium; which brought back memories from 2 years ago (copious amounts of water, glucose, antacid gels, tablets, a high fever and the Rodin’s Thinker Trophy in my shaking hands as we argued with an auto driver to get us back to Gole Market for less than seventy rupees while the “BIG” schools we beat made their exits in air-conditioned buses and cabs).

It was at this time that I extolled my views on “beautiful people” to DK. He refuses to believe that he has a fan club (genuine modesty or him being an asshole? No clue. I’m not good at hints and perceiving things, as opposed to him), but I guess he falls in this category.

Now, the multiple visits to supposedly “HOT” DU girl’s colleges and the experience of watching Fashion Tech students parading around near the Aerospace Engineering lab and the cafeteria has numbed me to physical, human beauty. I still joke about it, alright, but I guess I have a genuine feeling of revulsion w.r.t. ““beautiful people””. It’s simple, really.

A few basic tenets of a “beautiful person”:

1. He/she is born “beautiful” (We are all born beautiful, but they “maintain” themselves such. Hence the direct correlation between money and “beauty”)

2. Since they are born and brought up looking cute, sweet, hot etc… They get pampered and are perennially in the limelight.

3. Hence, a “beautiful person” is used to getting things for no reason apart from their natural looks. Getting as opposed to earning.

4. Hence, the “beautiful person” never felt the need of acquiring a skill set on the basis of which they can build their lives, as they assume that their looks are enough.

5. Which is also why these people get F’d in the A. once they’re 40.

6. The rest of us, however, have had to earn everything we have. Our place in society (by virtue of achievements, rather than looks), our friends (by virtue of personality) etc.

7. So, most (the exceptions are so few in my experience that I in fact say ALL) the “beautiful people” I’ve met are generally quite dumb, self-obsessed, arrogant and highly delusional. And believe me, for a fool like me, a hot face/body/particular anatomical section cannot cover up such major defects. (It works supremely for others, though. Yes, #49, I’m looking at you again! :p)

It also explains why I never was a part of The Gang. This was due to my appearance (yeah, yeah…), my malapropistic tendencies, my refusal to simply accept things without question etc. Basically, I have what people call “an attitude”. Now exactly why that is something wrong is a question I haven’t been able to answer, yet!

Not being a “beautiful person” has been a bummer only in terms of “not getting a chick (or is it chic?)”, but since that’s #5111918 on my priority list (Which is way below “Rob Rupert Murdoch”, just below “Learn the ‘Beat It’ and ‘Smooth Criminal’ dance moves” but above “Kill Bill… O’Reilly”) I guess it really doesn’t bother me.

The upshot, of course, is the moral of the story: I’m building my life on skills that will not desert me naturally one day. Yes, yes. A healthy lifestyle and advances in medicine can take a running jump. Looks go. Deal with it.

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Le Femmes…

Guess my Himalayan soujourn has been cancelled. The reasons are currently unclear, but there is the soft, shapely hand of a woman behind it.

Goddam it!

So, now I have four days to lord over the two empty floors of my PG with no cash, no laptop (hence no late-night internet or music! 😦 ) and no DVD player.

I DO have Ashwin’s Apache RTR 160, though! 😀 ? But no petrol and hardly enough money to get more than a 100 kms in the tank (@ 65 km per litre).

So… what do I do? Read, I guess.

But the pleasure of taking a bike out on an empty Noida road is too much of a thrill to resist.

Move over lysergic acid diethylamide, I’ve found a new drug!

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Oh. And a reply.

Can’t say it pissed me off, but I was confus… screw it, YEAH! It pissed me off! I MUST clear my good name.

Take jokes, people! (OR Maybe I’m missing one?)

Alright. I DO NOT

  1. Mentally strip women naked when I see them. That’s bloody disgusting and I’m not capable of it, despite my imagination.
  2. Talk incessantly about certain anatomical features. Surprisingly, most people around me do. If I do, it acts as the setup/punchline for a joke. That’s it!
  3. I may be honest and frank and may swear openly and say stuff that’s in appropriate, but that’s because I believe that what guys can hear, girls can hear too.
  4. The most inappropriate thing I’ve ever done is offering the organiser of the event I won at LSR lunch with the very prize money I won. I have lived an extraordinarily staid life w.r.t social interaction and I’m sick and tired of people automatically assuming I’m a bloody lecherous pervert.

Phew!

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