Category Archives: Delta-X

Older and, hopefully, wiser

I’m not going to use any gimmicks in this post. No protracted sentences. No loquaciousness. No references only understandable to certain people. It will just be my attempt at simple, straight, hard facts.

I have often complained of how life throws shit in my face. Whined in wangst at fate and the tortures it puts me through. And I did nothing about it.

A mining analogy:

We are all digging for gold, diamonds and other gems (ideological and literal) to enrich our lives. And some of us happen to hit a drainage pipe and end up with a pile of shit in our beloved gold mines. I am one of these people. People try to assist you out of this (in this analogy, literal, but otherwise metaphorical) shithole. And I was no different. Except that I didn’t use them to get out. Rather, I almost pulled them in.

Now, I’m through.

If I whine again, shoot me.

It is time for action.

But first… A few words which I have to make known public.

The people I knew while I wrote this blog over the past 4 years have defined this era of my life. An era that is reaching its end. And they deserve my thanks. I will not hide any details, by the way. If anyone here would like me to; say so and I will give you my id and password for WordPress. Knock yourselves out.

First, and most important:

Monisha Vemavarapu: Venom, SuperMon and a million sobriquets. No one has influenced me as much as she. Currently in London on an exchange program, she is dating a large, oafish, somewhat paranoid, whiny, self-obsessed and neurotic nutbag. I feel that she perhaps deserves better; but she’s a wiser judge of such things than I am. No one I have ever known has ever evolved so much so quickly. When I first was re-acquainted with her, she was a wild, kranti-kari, ultra-modernist pseudo-hippie. She is now one of the most level-headed determined and pragmatically intelligent people I know. I will be frank: When I first met her, both online and in person, I felt I was the superior individual. But I must now concede this title to her. She has proven herself to be a most fascinating person and one who accepts a random destiny with an élan that I wish I possessed. Monisha is one of those people who you just know will not fade quietly into the night, and will leave a mark on the world. I find my vocabulary failing me in my attempts to describe how happy I am to have known, and know, this singularly unique individual. I sincerely hope that we will never become strangers through providence or (more likely) some ridiculous action of mine.

Nimish Batra: After working at Infosys Technologies in Bangalore, Nimish is now pursuing a Master’s degree at the University of Florida. Nimish’s jesting misanthropy was what really resulted in our ever becoming friends. We shared in our fandom for Douglas Adams, I introduced him to Radiohead, and he introduced me to Monty Python. But in our protracted one-downmanship contests, (held periodically over the internet, the telephone and in person) I believe I learnt a lot. And perhaps too much. I appreciate and respect him for a lot of things, but I must say that what applies to me in a large measure applies to you too… Stop whining. Shut up and live. The thing about Nimish that few people get is that he is a genuinely warm-hearted person. Try visiting his home in South Ex, and be amazed at the hospitality shown by him and his family. One part of his brain has the capacity to make him do what’s necessary and drag him across the finish line while the other part is kicking and screaming. As long as that former part dominates the latter, he has nothing to worry about. Genuinely.

Dinesh Kapur: Decay is currently working in Gurgaon for a sustainable ventures firm whose name I can never remember, but it starts with a W. (edit: WinRock! It’s WinRock!) His George Best old-school footballing skills are no longer useful to him in the modern game much like my Karl Marx old-school thinking skills are of no use to me in the modern world. As I’ve often said; this man is a kindred spirit. We’re almost alter-egos of each other. Decay is someone who I can trust to understand my point of view on a matter, usually because he’s been there before. Like Monisha, Dinesh is someone who I feel is destined for far bigger things in life than he can possibly see now. And like Monisha, is an individual in possession of far too many talents, such that it looks unfair to the rest of us.

Anupam Guha: After a successful stint at the Georgia Institute of Technology (where he completed a 2-year Master’s course in a year with a perfect 4.0 CGPA), Guha is currently in Ahmadabad, working for a company that pays him to essentially be their poster-boy. His relationship with Anupama (who I’ve never met properly) was much joked about (my contribution was the idea for “Anupam (1+a)” wedding cards) in college. Oddly enough, it appears to be highly likely that theirs’ will be the first marriage of a friend that I will be a guest of. The conversations on every topic under and beyond the sun were, and still remain, much appreciated. Even the ones where we vehemently disagree. And his conviction to “save” me and show me that humanity is worth saving might just pay off. The path of the wannabe Bushido-ist is fraught with many perils, I joked of him. Well it appears that he intends on making these words an eerie prophecy. Much like a Katana, he has forged his tamahagane worldviews by repeatedly putting it through fire, folding it and beating the shit of it. And that’s why Guha will probably end up as that rarest species of all: A happy, intelligent man who is satisfied with his life and the world he is living in. Or we’ll embark on our plan for revolution. He’ll be Trotsky, I’ll be Stalin… Minus the backstabbing, of course.

Ashwin Murali: After half a year of working 80-90 hour weeks at Citibank, he’s now at his palatial penthouse in Nasik preparing for a second MBA. Ashwin’s greatest trait as a friend has been his ability to listen to me constantly abuse, demote, shout at, vilify and generally insult him for over 3 years with a patient nod and that irritatingly reassuring stupid smile. He set me off on a tangential path in my worldview, for which I still hate him by the way, but it might perhaps lead to a better future. You better hope it does bro.

Akhil Garg: Working at Accenture in Hyderabad, his tryst with the Alagappa family continues as my sister was his HR rep as a trainee. We have both learnt, very late, that we weren’t as bad roommates to have as we thought. Perhaps immaturity came between what could’ve been a far more rewarding friendship for us.

Swati, Priya and Ankur: Swati is working with Wipro in Bangalore while Priya is doing her Master’s at the University of Sussex, I believe. Ankur is doing his Master’s at IIT Kharagpur. I drove you guys away from me in a fit of madness and have regretted that decision since. My yet unfinished college life would have been far better if I had not done that.

Nitesh Bhasin: The entrepreneur and fellow backlogger. We really dump on you more than you deserve. The fact remains that if you hadn’t taken the effort of befriending me in IP University that day, I wouldn’t have gotten to know a lot of the people mentioned here. You’ll either end up in jail or in Forbes. Have fun in Vegas.

M.V. Harish: Another man at Georgia Tech, here’s to perpetuating the “crazy Telugu mofo” image with me. Keep it real with the brothas in the hood in Atlanta. We’ll meet up in a gun shop or seedy beer bar someday.

Many others ought to feature in this list, but I feel it has become so sappy, your monitors might have started leaking already; so wait for another epiphany and moment of emo-ness.

Seriously, I have so many epiphanies; it’s hard to tell which ones are genuine.

Oh, and I almost to mention… This post formally ends this blog. There will be no more posting on Chaosverse any longer. Frankly, I would like some order. Unpredictability and randomness are, as always, welcome; but I’ve had it with the chaos.

I would like to delete this blog, but perhaps will save it. Someday, the people mentioned in this post will look back and this and other posts and laugh at the naivety, stupidity, folly, and immaturity on display.


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Radiohead sign up with XL

Thanks again to the unos and only, Greenplastic.

This implies that the actual “physical” release of In Rainbows is imminent. Perhaps by December.

Now, ladies and germs… the motion before the house is, should one spend six hundred or more rupees and buy the CD of an album whose songs you legally downloaded for free. Are Radiohead contradicting themselves? Will I fall for it and buy the CD?

Yes. I think so.

Damn! They are amazing!!!

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Do You…

Do you…

1. Stick to your dreams and continue playing the waiting game. Build your measly, pathetic future with every little scrap you pick up on the way. Maybe you’ve grossly overestimated yourself, maybe you haven’t but you STILL won’t make it because you lacked the right opportunity or maybe you had the right opportunity, but you didn’t stick your foot through the door.

2. Do what you know you’ll succeed at. You’ll do everything right and make it without any hassles at all. You’ll be called a “successful person”. Money, power etc… et cetera. But it’s not what you want, is it?

Can an army of sycophants, a big house, a stylish car and everything else that comes along with “success” make up for the sinking feeling you’ll get every time you’ll look in the mirror and realize you compromised on your dreams?

I’ve been going through this philosophical conundrum for nearly five years now, and I think I’m at the verge of accepting defeat. Or maybe I have enough to keep fighting. Say what you want against me, but I know that I’ve been through too much to accept defeat. Fucking up supremely but facing the consequences with your chin up and the ability to gather every last ounce of energy in one’s body to slowly, but surely raise the middle finger to life and the world in general. That’s my redeeming feature. That’s right. Life and fate fuck around with me, but I won’t give up. Not just yet, bitches.

Then again, maybe I’ve had enough of fighting. Maybe I’m willing to give up and allow my life to be less complicated. Maybe it’s better to settle for a small victory rather than risk a major failure whilst shooting for the stars.

I have too many people around me who’re doing something with their lives and yet believe that their existence sucks. It depresses me. They do not know what it means to waste their lives. To watch a deluge of mediocrity go by as you wait for the right moment to make your move.

I made a decision, not to opt out of the rat race but rather to never join. Instead of leaving me out, this decision has left me in last place. I’m in last place in a race I CAN win, but I do not want to be in it. Should I join? I can still claw my way back up to a podium finish, at least if not victory itself. But I don’t want to. I hate this damn rat race. It’s called a rat race for a fucking reason, you fools!

It all boils down to an exam I’ll be giving next year. The question is, which one will it be? Give the one which, if I get what I want out of it, will make me the happiest living creature in the solar system but which carries a high chance of failure OR the one which I know I’ll ace, but won’t make me anywhere remotely as happy.

I’ve always maintained that anyone who’s rich and complains about his/her problems in life deserves nothing more than a good kick in the seat of their trousers… but can money really buy happiness? Can it? Should I try?

It helps in situations like this to have a mentor. A guide, if you will. Yet, I’m the guy who’s called Sensei. So where’s the Sensei’s sensei?


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Working title: In Lucknow Alternative title: Two cellphones, No pockets…

Am with the folks in Lucknow. Again… had a lot to say which I muttered to myself as I walked to the cyber cafe and now can’t type anything. I am seriously going to get myself a portable recorder.

Met my relatives after a long time. I’m the “grey sheep” of the family acc. to my mom. The comment doing the rounds was that I cut my hair and look ‘somewhat presentable’ now. <sarcasm>Great!</sarcasm>

Die Batra Wird (TBB in Deutsch) and thou are coming up with lines to fill in the blanks of the T-shirt below (diwali gift, anyone?)

Will post them ideas later. Give some of your own.

I’m strangely at peace with myself. The relaxing early morning train journey (I was in quite a luxurious train) sort of cleared my head up. I met my parents and am far more open to staying here, for a few days, than I was back in July. The reasons for my reluctance back then were quite obvious, of course. I wanted to stay in Bangalore. I still want to stay in Bangalore. So what keeps me back in Delhi? Some say a vibrant social life, but Bangalore’s is better. And besides, travel is a royal pain here. I have made good friends here, but have friends there too. I guess there is no reason why I’m here. I’m just here. So, to anyone I know personally… I’m in Delhi just because of YOU!

Am I happy? I don’t know. I’m active. And that’s rare. As a consequence, I did some weird stuff today morning. I read 50 pages of a book that I didn’t touch ever since I borrowed it from the British Council library 3 weeks ago! Of course, it’s a 1,165-page book so another 1,115 to go! I made my special extra-strong extra-sweet are you insane??™ coffee. I saw Discovery Travel and Living and came to the conclusion that lifestyle channels crush the spirit of the viewer by making them realize what an amazing life it is that they’re missing. I am not able to sit down. I played football with cushions and shadow boxed. I jumped around and did a semi-dance, half-jig, quarter madman hop.

I turned the TV off and listened to the sounds of my surroudings. Housewives gossiping before their 2-year-old kid starts to cry and their mother-in-law nagging them (no wonder girls are strange and freaky and behave in ways that seem completely incomprehensible (to me). If that’s the life they have to look forward to… might as well utilize all their free will right now!). Went outside and saw primary school kids come home. I’m not scared of them, suddenly. It dawned on me that I too was once like them and the unspoken “I’m scared of you, you’re scared of me. Let’s leave like that” agreement with them was lost. I forgot all about Noida and college and life as an “adult” or indeed, as a teenager! I wasn’t tempted to have a go at my Dad’s whiskey collection (drinking is BAD, right?). Memories of childhood rushed back and were gone equally as fast. I was on the fourth floor of St. Andrew’s looking at the HUGE ground and laughing to myself. I was hiding from the PT teacher at Clarence in the one place he’s never going to check… the literature section of the library. I was in Bethany, pulling the “I’m in the basketball team, give me those chips” trick on a guy in the basketball team by telling him, “You’re in the basketball team, give me those chips” and walking away confident that by the time he figures out what I did I’ll be in class. Strange, jes?

Also started some heavy-duty (by my standards) fashionista behavior. Gave myself a strange shave (“soul patch” with a thin Salvador Dali-esque moustache that doesn’t quite reach the end of the lip). Decided to cut my hair. Then decided not to. Decided that I LIKE the fact that my entire wardrobe is either black, blue or red. Decided to wear only black and red from now on.

Went to the market with 20 bucks in my pocket. Something I would never do in Noida (can’t go out without a min. 100 rupees). Had 5-rupee street food and a 3-rupee bunta (a drink that’ll cure your gastroentisis and induce jaundice).

I don’t know what it is… I feel different. Like I’ve come to terms with my paranoid neuroticism. As if I shouldn’t be embarassed of myself and my contradictions. Most strangely, though, I’ve realized that there are some people who I genuinely care about and I AM capable of emotions. Now whether that’s a good thing or not is something I’ve not figured out.

P.S: This post hasn’t come out very well because I lost my train of thought by the time I reached the cyber cafe and the keyboard I’m typing at is shit and caused me to make a gazillion typos and I’m hitting it so hard that my fingers hurt.

P.P.S: Ye in Agra… found a place yet?


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Nom de Plume

Yes, yes… I’ve changed my blog’s name. Actually, I think I’ve added a very slight semblance of rationale in the name change, seeing that now my url and blog title are the same. Does this make any difference whatsoever? Probably not.

The name… Chaosverse is something I came up with back in 2001-02. If the word had existed before then, I was blissfully unaware of it. I reveled in my own glory as I came up with a neat little catchword with multiple-layered meanings, and now, nearly seven years later…I am going to explain the whole damn thing.

It follows an equation so simple it is, like mostly everything else in my life and indeed, the universe… absolutely absurd.

CHAOSVERSE = Chaos + Verse

The first meaning of the word is infact, its source. The place we exist in, encapsulated in space-time and permeated throughout by a Higgs Field, where the laws of physics are applicable. That place is known as the Universe. Or, as the Greeks and Carl Sagan liked to call it, the Cosmos. I wanted a word to describe the very opposite of the universe. The primordial void from whence the universe came forth via the Big Bang and perhaps the region that exists in the singularity of a black hole. So… I took the opposite of Cosmos… and added a verse to it, and voila! Chaosverse!

The second layer applies to the actual blog. I believe, hope, wish and pray (Atheist. Just an expression, but can’t take chances, can I?) That the blog behaves like a chaosverse, i.e. as a chaosverse does not follow the laws that govern our or any other universe, but was the predecessor of the universe… the chaosverse must also not follow any laws of writing and blogospherical pseudo-intelligentsia. However, I hope that from this anarchy can come forth ideas and order.

The third reason stems from the actual wordplay. Observe:

cha·os /ˈkeɪ ɒs/ [key-os] –noun


A state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.


Any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.


The infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.

Etymology: c.1440, “gaping void,” from L. chaos, from Gk. khaos “abyss, that which gapes wide open, is vast and empty,” from *khnwos, from PIE base *gheu-, *gh(e)i- “to gape” (cf. Gk khaino “I yawn,” O.E. ginian, O.N. ginnunga-gap). Meaning “utter confusion” (1606) is extended from theological use of chaos for “the void at the beginning of creation” in Vulgate version of Genesis.

verse  /vɜrs/ [vurs]  –noun


(Not in technical use) a stanza.


A succession of metrical feet written, printed, or orally composed as one line; one of the lines of a poem.


A particular type of metrical line: a hexameter verse.


A poem, or piece of poetry.


Metrical composition; poetry, esp. as involving metrical form.


Metrical writing distinguished from poetry because of its inferior quality: a writer of verse, not poetry.


A particular type of metrical composition: elegiac verse.


The collective poetry of an author, period, nation, etc.: Miltonian verse; American verse.

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”  

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