Category Archives: *cough cough* comedy

The 22-year old kid…

Adolescence is a funny time in anyone’s life. It’s the metaphorical bridge between childhood and adulthood. Unfortunately, it’s a rickety old bridge above a deep gorge with a lot of missing bits of wood in between and a strong wind shaking it quite fiercely. Negotiating this bridge is not an easy task. If you’re wondering why I’m talking about puberty (usually experienced between the ages of 12-18) at the age of 22, you probably haven’t heard another one of my pseudo-psychological theories yet. (Actually, can you call something pseudo-psychological? Isn’t most of psychology a pseudoscience anyhow?)

Listen:

Most people start puberty at the ages of 11-14. In guys; their balls drop, their Adam’s apple starts to stick out, their voice becomes deeper, and they are kicked in their newly dropped balls by an unrelenting, all-consuming and frankly, maddening, sexual appetite. Porn replaces cartoons and girls take the place of sports heroes. Physically, it’s a tumultuous time. I was fortunate enough to suffer through this unpleasant process early and quickly. By the time I was 15; I was 6 feet tall and had a voice that boomed over the squeaks of my peers.

Unfortunately, this phase in human development has another, far more diabolical purpose. It is during this time that most people are expected to acquaint themselves with the intricacies of that most inexplicable phenomenon: Social Interaction. The rules of the game are never told to us. We are left fumbling about in the dark trying to figure them out ourselves and most people succeed – though success in this matter depends on your immediate social group, where you are, who you are and the culture you’re living in. People either become followers of mainstream culture or counter-culture or counter-mainstream counter-culture and so on. Some people became leaders in their peer group, while others became followers. But by the time you entered college; you knew the rules quite well.

By the time you were 18, you had made and lost friends many times over. You had made BFFs and Frenemies. You had “a gang,” so to speak. That gang is simply your social circle. The people you hung out with during recess and lunch and after school. Whom you met up with on Saturday mornings to indulge in whatever group activities you indulged in. On whose birthdays you bought gifts and went for parties. You had your first experiences with romantic infatuations. You had crushes. Asked girls/guys out or were asked out. Had fledgling school romances or, if you were in Bethany High, full-fledged sexual relationships with little emotional contact. (This was brought to my attention by people who would go, “You’re from Bethany? Awesome! I’ve heard the girls there are complete sluts!” and I would go, “Really? Wish I knew them!”). Basically, by 18, and definitely by 22; the rules of social interaction are known to you.

Well…

I was never a friendly kid. I was shy. Very shy. If it wasn’t for my height or unusual build or propensity to pick fights with teachers, I would’ve easily passed under most radars. Instead, I was treated with a mixture of infamy and indifference. People knew me. But no-one befriended me. And this isn’t a sad story of the lonely duckling and studly swan. This was my world and I liked it. I didn’t have a social group, but I had a few seniors from school who were my quizzing teammates with whom I’d play football in the evening and discuss politics and music and sport. But I was sort of a guest member. I never went to their homes or their birthday parties. And I didn’t feel bad about it. “You guys aren’t playing football today?” “Nah, we’re going to XYZ’s birthday party” “Right, tomorrow then.” They wouldn’t call me their friend, but they were probably the closest I ever had to friends.

Delhi was no different. 2 years in KV. Heckled, hazed and ridiculed; I didn’t make any friends in school here. I didn’t care. There were things happening at home that occupied most of my mind.

Then I came to college. I was surrounded by people whose emotional quotient far outstripped mine. And here, I finally made a friend or two. It took me time. People started calling me at home when they were bored and would talk to me for an hour or so! I ended up with my own personal team of clowns to entertain and annoy me at home (my roommates). I started talking to girls. Yes, before I was 18, I never spoke to girls. I thought it was evident.

This. These few years here, have been my puberty. I’m a child living in a world of adults. And I’m lost. I need a crash course. I need to learn the rules. Apparently I can’t go with the trial and error method you guys had the luxury of experimenting with when you were 13, because it doesn’t work with 22 year-olds. I don’t know who my friends are and who merely count as acquaintances. I don’t know anything about dealing with people. Or dealing with groups of people. I feel intimidated by them and so I plug in an mp3 player.

In conclusion, I would appreciate someone tutoring me to get my emotional age up to speed with my physical age. I’m told I’m a quick learner.

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Filed under "Fluid Exchange", *cough cough* comedy, Ideas, Life, Random, Rants, Why Life Sucks

Why I Don’t Have Many Friends

You’ll LOVE this one! Okay, okay… How… This is really funny, alright! How… do you confuse a stupid person?

Err… You… Give him or her some sort of logical problem that their feeble intellect is unable to comprehend?

NO! You put them in a circular room and tell them to sit in a corner! HAHAHAHAHA! GET IT?

That’s seems like a lot of work, doesn’t it? Just the logistics and expenditure way outnumber the potential reward. I mean, you might as well kidnap the two people with whom the stupid person shares the strongest emotional bond; tie them up in two different rooms filled with nerve gas and give the stupid guy or girl an antidote enough to help ONE person. Thus, he or she will have to quickly choose who to help and who to leave to die a slow and painful death! Equal amount of effort; greater reward.

Don’t ruin my awesome jokezzzzz!

Actually, if Nimish was the first person, my eventual answer would’ve been the punchline. Hope someone in that company founded by a bunch of people from Patni Computers with an initial investment of 10,000 rupees that has since grown to become India’s second largest ITES company reads this.

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Filed under *cough cough* comedy, Arrgh!!!, Art

Why I’d make a lousy dad: A webcomic

If only this worked with MY Dad. Maybe... Narendra Hirwani?

NOT trying to copy xkcd... It's just the simplest format.

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Filed under *cough cough* comedy, Art, Crap Rating- *****

Bob Dylan was right after all!

The parts of his songs I could actually understand that is.

There’s this one song, which like his others, goes something like this:

neeeeya, neeeeya, yeeee, anna, neeeeeya neee neee… Oh, the times, they are a-changing…

Which, as I have implied, they are.

May 11th, 2009.

The 91st birth anniversary of this guy (terrible article, as I believe all of mine are)

The 8th death (or final lift?) of this guy.

And, notably, the day South Park will premiere on Indian Television.

Yes. What the fuck just isn’t enough.

It’s strange. The moment a show hits Indian TV, it goes bad. Scrubs hit Indian TV when season 5 started elsewhere. And we all now that started the steady downward slide of an otherwise hilarious and intelligent show. Following this trend, South Park’s season 13 is a massive disappointment.

Episode 3 was alright. The whole Kyle is a Jew thing can go wrong if not done well.

Episode 1 was kinda funny in parts. “You do not.  FUCK! With Mickey Mouse! Got that? ha ha?”

Episode 2 was just… bad. The Dark Knight could’ve been parodied so much better.

Episode 4… they were tripping on acid or something, but ended up making a brilliant feminist statement. And as a guy, I was repulsed. Sorry, it’s a genetic thing probably.

Episode 5… Nice. Best episode of the season, but nothing compared to their previous work. Why is Trey Parker going after Carlos Mencia? I mean, who cares about Carlos Mencia, for DNA’s sake? The Kayne West thing was nice though.

Episodes 6 and 7… Worst. Ever.

I don’t have a TV, so no clue as to where they’re starting off from and if they’ll go in order. I’m surprised that any TV show who’s pilot episode is called “Cartman Gets An Anal Probe” is being broadcast. I don’t think it’ll last. With India’s censorship system and how regressive thought sells on the t00b, it’ll end up being one long, uninterrupted bleep. Then some nut will say killing children is un-Indian (which it isn’t, by the way… Look at our education system!) and poof! It’ll be gone before you can say Meekrab.

This is the defining sequence of South Park’s pilot episode. I tried to find the actual video, but google has betrayed us and youtube is more or less the lunatic asylum of the interweb, or whatever the damn thing is called now. Anyway, the essence is still there.

Dedicated to ye, who know South Park as only a “3-time Emmy Award winning, animated TV show”…


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Filed under *cough cough* comedy, An Atheist's Gods, Anything Seriously Anything, Arrgh!!!, Art

Dada Thoinking

  • Thoink Thoink Thoink
  • September 4th is going to be fun! (Pecha Kucha @ Saket or Kurosawa @ IIT?)
  • When I grow up, I’m gonna become a Cricketer! Space Explorer! Professional Footballer! Rock musician! Author! Theoretical Physicist! 😀
  • Dystopia: A wedge in the wealth line
  • Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box
  • Heraclitus, Pythogoras, Democritus
  • Baby… I think you’re craaaaaaaaaaaazyyyyyy…
  • Desi-Goth Chicks. Write that post quickly and confuse your entire female readership! (i.e. 3 people)
  • Amity Ek sau pachees. Pachees rupaiy.
  • Mental note: Wear cargos the next time you go to a department store. Shoplift more candy bars.
  • Sex 
  • When I grow up, I’m gonna become an Investment Banker. (Meeting with clients all day long and slaving away having fun.) Wow! I can’t wait! 
  • TROZZZZZZZZ!!!
  • I’m sorry I’m late sir.
  • This is the Panic Office, section nine-seventeen may have been hit. Activate the following procedure.
  • Look at me maw! I’m a rebel!
  • Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!
  • HEY! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M A REBEL? HEY? HEY! LOOK AT ME! LOOK… AT… ME… Yes, now that I’ve got your attention: I’m a rebel. I’m different from you. Whatever! I do what I want! What-evaaaa!
  • Starshit.
  • The guy at the system next to me is trying to guess the secret answer to the email id: niharika****@yahoo.co.in.
  • What’s up, doc?
  • Elementary, My Dear Watson!
  • *wham* HE! NEVER! SAID! THAT! EVER!
  • WHOP!

3 Comments

Filed under *cough cough* comedy, Random, Rants

A Dialogue of Shortcomings

“I came in my shorts”

“You WHAT?

“I came in my shorts, alright?”

“Jesus Fucking Christ, dude! How? Why? What the…”

“Listen, it was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was humiliated in front of her!”

“But… you knew. You can’t claim the surprise factor did you in!”

“I didn’t know we were going to do it right then! I would’ve been prepared! I don’t know what to do, man! I mean… I didn’t even know!”

“But you said she’d been giving you hints!”

“Yes, I knew she wanted to… but I didn’t now right now! She should’ve told me what she had in mind on the phone, at least!”

“What exactly happened?”

“Well, she called me over. I didn’t know what was going on, or I would’ve done something. I turned up there and saw her… God, she looked amazing! She was wearing this red dress, the kind you usually see on Bond girls. And it made her look so hot! I mean, every feature of her body was captured flawlessly by it. She looked stunning, like a vision, a goddess. There was nothing in the world that could’ve possibly distracted me from the sight of her. I was so enamored that I didn’t notice…”

“Don’t tell me that… Oh, no! She didn’t point it out to you!”

“Yes. She did. She looked at me and then looked down and noticed. She didn’t say a word. But from the look in her face I knew what had happened. She then finally told me in a voice so cold I was surprised that someone so beautiful could muster such fury, ‘You’ve come in your shorts’. There was something in the deadpan way she said that and I knew… her love for me died that very instant.”

“Now that’s not fair! She can’t not love you just because you came in your shorts! It’s an honest mistake!”

“Not in her eyes. Then…”

“Then what?”

“The concierge of the restaurant arrived at the spot. He took a look at me and gave me one of those looks of snobby distaste.”

“Dude! This IS embarrassing!”

“Yeah. First he didn’t say a word. I think he was trying not to laugh. Oh, how stupid I must’ve looked! When he did finally open his mouth, all he did was remind me that in a restaurant of this class, you MUST wear trousers or you won’t be allowed inside. Even jeans weren’t allowed!”

“And you went there in your shorts!”

“Dude! I didn’t know! She’d told me for some time that we’ll be going there, but when she called me, she just told me the street. Not that ‘We’re going to the restaurant’. Jesus!”

“It’s alright, dude. Apologize and take her there. And this time… SUIT UP! Let’s just hope that this doesn’t affect your sex life!”

“Yeah. I’ll do that! And dude, stop correlating everything with sex. Fucking immature douche!”

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Filed under *cough cough* comedy, Crap Rating- *****, Ideas, Random

Dead Leaves, Dirty Ground and a Broken Left Finger

I’m under the impression that my blog has reached its peak, its crowning glory, the height of its achievements. And whatever I write from now on is just meaningless rambling on a webpage that’s on its way down.

Is is really over? Have I, in just three years, said everything I have to say?

I broke my left index finger a couple of days back in a nasty bike accident, so I’m having quite a bit of trouble typing this.

Otherwise, things are pretty alright.

I’m now allowed to sit for ALL but one of my exams. Looks like the goddam institute finally did something for me.

Practicals were… well… forget about them. Let’s just say, my Metrology viva ended with the external examiner shouting at me to “Get out! Get out now!”. Nice!

I have little to say right now. Nimish is working on making an application for the previous post’s idea. Dada blogging.

Will get back if I deem it necessary. Or something.

 

8 Comments

Filed under *cough cough* comedy, Life, Rants