Fear isn’t funny. Sadness can be, but fear never is. I’m just saying that because fear has been the predominant emotion in my life for a considerable amount of time. I had a nice day today and yet all I could do after coming home was sit in a corner in my room as if I expected a monster to break open the door and pillage all that I have. Kids ask me questions about my “college” on social networking sites. Everyone complains about their college. Yet, they walk away with a wealth of experiences they’ll cherish and make friends that’ll last a lifetime. What am I supposed to tell those prospective Amitians? Oh, you’ll fit right in with your obsessive need to be seen, incompetent communication and millions of rupees in daddy’s bank account. Yep, YOU’LL love it! And me? Oh, Amity has been like gang-sodomy… only worse.
And yet, the fear grows. It mutates and is mobile. I’m patient zero. The first zombie paralyzed by fear and mental degradation. I’m destroying all that’s beautiful in my life. I’m a prophet: I predict doom and then go ahead and ruin my life and go, “See? Toldya I was right!”.
I’m going insane. I walked out of my house today and briefly toyed with the idea of never going back. I thought, “Why not just walk out of this house… Sell my cellphone and catch the first bus headed anywhere. No goodbye note, nothing. Just fucking disappear.” And perhaps one day I will do that. True happiness cannot be the purveyance of the dead or the ignorant alone.