Monthly Archives: February 2010

Where are you now, when I need you?

Fear isn’t funny. Sadness can be, but fear never is. I’m just saying that because fear has been the predominant emotion in my life for a considerable amount of time. I had a nice day today and yet all I could do after coming home was sit in a corner in my room as if I expected a monster to break open the door and pillage all that I have. Kids ask me questions about my “college” on social networking sites. Everyone complains about their college. Yet, they walk away with a wealth of experiences they’ll cherish and make friends that’ll last a lifetime. What am I supposed to tell those prospective Amitians? Oh, you’ll fit right in with your obsessive need to be seen, incompetent communication and millions of rupees in daddy’s bank account. Yep, YOU’LL love it! And me? Oh, Amity has been like gang-sodomy… only worse.

And yet, the fear grows. It mutates and is mobile. I’m patient zero. The first zombie paralyzed by fear and mental degradation. I’m destroying all that’s beautiful in my life. I’m a prophet: I predict doom and then go ahead and ruin my life and go, “See? Toldya I was right!”.

I’m going insane. I walked out of my house today and briefly toyed with the idea of never going back. I thought, “Why not just walk out of this house… Sell my cellphone and catch the first bus headed anywhere. No goodbye note, nothing. Just fucking disappear.” And perhaps one day I will do that. True happiness cannot be the purveyance of the dead or the ignorant alone.

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New Decade. Old Problems.

I guess it’s fascinating, looking at this blog. Apart from the obvious exercise in narcissism, it provides a unique insight into how much things have changed or have remained static over a considerable period of time. I started this blog in August 2005. It’s almost been 5 years now. I have gone from being a guy stuck in a KV, both fearful of his future and yet wildly optimistic at the same time to someone in a college he morbidly despises who seems to have ruined almost any chance he had of making a name for himself.

I cleared the written exam for the Tata Institute of Fundamental Research, Mumbai (hereafter referred to as TIFR). I shall abandon humility and say that I feel it’s a bloody noteworthy achievement. A guy who’s had as horrid a B.Tech experience as me isn’t expected to be the in 1 in 500 to clear a grueling entrance exam for India’s premier graduate school for Physics. TIFR offers the best Ph.D faculty, research options, library and stipend in India. That’s right, Ph.D. I beat people with Master’s degrees from the various IITs to get in here. Natansh might wonder why I’m blowing my own horn so much, but he’s already cleared a way more difficult national-level entrance exam. But it’ll probably amount to nothing. No way I can clear the interview. Not with all my baggage.

I qualified for the final round of the Young Sociologist of the Year Competition in Bangalore. In fact, I got my TIFR result barely a week after returning from Bangalore where I presented a Sociology paper. Met many interesting people. Virgil, who eventually won. Michael, who’s quip about how even the worst neighborhoods of San Diego are nowhere nearly as filthy as Koramangala (one of Bangalore’s more posh areas) and even the girls from Miranda House and Ferguson College who kept throwing wary glances at me as if they expected my to pounce on them at any moment. (Seriously, do I look like a rapist?)

I didn’t attend college for nearly 3 semesters in a row and in my last 2 years have missed more exams than I have given. Hence TIFR remains a dream that will not be realized. Not this year, at least.

2010 promises to be a defining year. It will be unforgettable, I can guarantee that. Whether I will want to relive these memories or erase them forever, they will haunt me.

This blog has really been an integral part of my identity throughout college. Be it my hormonally challenged posts that were evidently about Monisha (there! I said it!) or attempts at pseudo-intellectual candor, I always picked the worst time to write them. Which, I guess has been the defining trait of my life c.2005-2010. It has been a period of terrible decisions and bad timing. Thoughts that struggle to find meaning and ideas that come and go quicker than I can say, “Get me a pen and some paper!” The humor, the edge is gone because the confidence that is so necessary to drive it is n ruins. The arrogance you see is over-compensation for a feeling of inadequacy and it’s a vicious cycle. Confidence shatters, arrogant shell built. Arrogance causes problems, causes greater loss of confidence that breeds more arrogance. You get the rest.

Well, the decisions are no longer mine to take, are they? Perhaps my life follows a Seldon Plan. Or it’s just seldom planned. I wait and do nothing until I reach a crisis that affects my very existence and there exists only one course of action to take. So if my childhood was the Encyclopedia stage, perhaps the Salvor Hardin within me will soon find his services necessary. (To those who don’t get what I’m talking about here, I’m heavily referencing Isaac Asimov’s classic ‘Foundation’ saga).

And always remember, Don’t Panic.

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Filed under Clarifications, Ideas --> Words --> ???, In an interstellar burst, Phil0s0phy, Pointless rambling, Rants, Why Life Sucks