Edit: I wrote this post almost ten days ago on my internet-unabled desktop. I write stuff like this and name the document after the time and date of writing, which is why I’ve the edited the timestamp.
This entry was supposed to be about something else. It was supposed to be about dreams and how we as adults are no different from children when it comes to expectations from themselves. It was about unrealistic dreams; how I saw things that made me think about the nature of dreaming and expectations. About how we want things that we can’t possibly get.
Let’s start from the top. I had an exam today. It was a utter and complete disaster. The pass mark is 18 out of 60. I think I attempted 16 marks worth of questions. I was devastated. Which is strange because I’ve given more bad exams than good ones. The last paper I was satisfied with was my 10th standard pre-board Maths exam where I got 96. So, I haven’t done a paper well in 4 years. Hence, I shouldn’t be surprised or devastated or even disappointed with my performance. But I am. As I gave the paper, there was only one thing on my mind: “That’s it. This is the end. 2 backs, my future’s over. Forget GRE, give CAT and do a fucking MBA from some fucking IIM or something. You can still become a Professor, maybe. You can do PhDs in Management, right?” If anyone doesn’t know what I’m talking about, I have believed that the hallowed MBA route is relatively easier for me than most other people. But what I really want to do is a PhD is Particle Astrophysics (or Quantum Cosmology. The field’s so new that it doesn’t quite have a definite name!). However, with 2 backs and one of the single-most atrocious GPAs in human history, that dream looks all but dead.
At around 4 in the afternoon, I found myself at Gulmohar Park. I looked at things through whatever it is that is the complete opposite of Rose-tinted glasses. All I could see was misery. People and their illusions. Hopes and dreams that will only end up completely obliterated. Then…
It’s absolutely incredible. One person is all it takes to make you feel better. The rant just died inside me. It’s 2 in the morning now and I feel good. I don’t know about whether or not I’ll stick with my dream or just do an MBA. But I feel good knowing this: There is someone by my side.
Perfection in human beings is regarded as impossible, but I’m beginning to doubt that. Relativity applies in personal relationships. Space and time are not absolutes, but depend on the observer’s frame of reference. So is perfection in human beings.
The unusual bit is; the one thing I never believed in, the one thing I never gave a fuck about, the one thing I thought is an insipid invention and a meaningless waste of energy is the only thing I have in my life that seems to make any sort of sense.