Ladies and Gentlemen: This is an official announcement which I have tried my very best to avoid, but circumstances are such that I am left with no option but to speak out. There’s a big rumor doing the rounds and it’s about time I put an end to it. Not just because it isn’t true, but mostly because I get bugged by the looks of incredible surprise, shock, horror, awe and downright bewilderment I get from people who believe it. Mostly.
I am not really “committed”. I do not have “a girl” (or “a boy”, for that matter). I’m as single as they come, if not more. The committed status, along with the rest of my orkut profile, is a big old (except for the profile bit) joke. I will no longer entertain questions that go like, “Hey, how’s your girl?” et cetera.
For those not in the loop, the correct rumor is that there exists out there, a female homo sapiens sapiens who is romantically infatuated with me. Ha! Ha!! Ha!!!
Since we quantum-geeks work with probability, I better factor in for the one in a three hundred million chance that the rumor is true.
So, I give you a list that deserves its place amongst the hallowed pages of Cosmopolitan magazine! I present to you, ladies and ladies alone…
Statutory warnings to anyone who wants to be “my girl”:
Warning! Harish Alagappa is…
- Prone to mood swings.
- A disgusting sight to look at.
- A bad singer
- A bad poet (“if you think my poetry’s bad, my prose is verse”)
- A bad dancer
- A man who doesn’t like clubbing/disco-type parties, with the loud music and flashy lights and people crowding the dance floor swinging sweaty filled arms, stinking up the air and polluting the atmosphere which weakens the ozone layer, allowing a greater amount of harmful ultra-violet radiation to enter giving everybody skin cancer with the spores and the itching and burning and miserable pain!
- Prone to droning on and on about matters that have no relevance to the topic at hand.
- Deficient on moral fiber
- Poor (Middle-Class, actually)
- Incapable of playing any musical instrument
- A forgetter of birthdays, anniversaries, names, faces, clothes you wore, hairstyles and all that jazz
- An anti-social, reclusive, introvert nutcase.
- A bad judge of fashion
- A man who despises shopping for anything except books.
- A nobody. If fame is an aphrodisiac… I’m an impotency drug.
- An uncivilized brute who lacks table and other manners.
- As opposed to being a suave, sophisticated toast of society… (should I hyperlink you?) an unsophisticated, un-suave cold turkey of society.
- A pedantic hyper-intellectual who simultaneously criticizes and arrogantly justifies his own nature.
- Trying to be Zaphod Beeblebrox, but ending up like Marvin.