“Beauty” and Eddies In The Spacetime Continuum

A Snickers bar awaits ye who can fully comprehend the multi-referential nature of the title.

Is it a boon or a curse? That’s something I’ve been asking myself ever since I’ve suddenly hit a purple patch in girls colleges at DU. Yeah, I get to show off my (*cough*) intellect and gab in front of the “Hot ladkis of Dilli da University”, but what’s the point? That doesn’t impress them as much as a face that resembles Daniel Radcliffe. In fact, that doesn’t impress them AT ALL! The latest victim was Kamala Nehru College, Siri Fort Road, New Delhi.

It was a strange coincidence that DK (known variously as Drift King, DicKhead, Donkey Kong, Debate King and on rare occasions as Dinesh Kapur) and I made a clean sweep of the KNC Debate on the 14th of November (14th November = Jawaharlal Nehru’s Birthday… Kamala Nehru is J’Lal’s awfully wedded wife). To be honest, it was a no-contest. The topic, “Canon-formation is irrelevant in a globalized market”, was brilliant (once I understood it!) and I felt kind of sad that it was wasted on such a miserable congregation. What did make the victory sweet was that I turned up there not even knowing what “Canon-formation” meant. Still, we spoke and walked away with the following prizes:

· Best Team

· Best Individual Speaker: Dinesh Kapur (Damn it! His cute looks did me in, I tells you!!!)

· IInd Best Individual Speaker: Me. (I’m in this 2nd place rut. Victory somehow always eludes me!!!)

· Best Interjector: Me, again. (This is a prize I have almost reserved for myself at the few dumbass debates I attend) Note: MS Word doesn’t recognize the word lameass, but recognizes dumbass!

I also did the winships in Creative Writing Contest.
Whilst walking away from KNC, we passed by the Siri Fort auditorium; which brought back memories from 2 years ago (copious amounts of water, glucose, antacid gels, tablets, a high fever and the Rodin’s Thinker Trophy in my shaking hands as we argued with an auto driver to get us back to Gole Market for less than seventy rupees while the “BIG” schools we beat made their exits in air-conditioned buses and cabs).

It was at this time that I extolled my views on “beautiful people” to DK. He refuses to believe that he has a fan club (genuine modesty or him being an asshole? No clue. I’m not good at hints and perceiving things, as opposed to him), but I guess he falls in this category.

Now, the multiple visits to supposedly “HOT” DU girl’s colleges and the experience of watching Fashion Tech students parading around near the Aerospace Engineering lab and the cafeteria has numbed me to physical, human beauty. I still joke about it, alright, but I guess I have a genuine feeling of revulsion w.r.t. ““beautiful people””. It’s simple, really.

A few basic tenets of a “beautiful person”:

1. He/she is born “beautiful” (We are all born beautiful, but they “maintain” themselves such. Hence the direct correlation between money and “beauty”)

2. Since they are born and brought up looking cute, sweet, hot etc… They get pampered and are perennially in the limelight.

3. Hence, a “beautiful person” is used to getting things for no reason apart from their natural looks. Getting as opposed to earning.

4. Hence, the “beautiful person” never felt the need of acquiring a skill set on the basis of which they can build their lives, as they assume that their looks are enough.

5. Which is also why these people get F’d in the A. once they’re 40.

6. The rest of us, however, have had to earn everything we have. Our place in society (by virtue of achievements, rather than looks), our friends (by virtue of personality) etc.

7. So, most (the exceptions are so few in my experience that I in fact say ALL) the “beautiful people” I’ve met are generally quite dumb, self-obsessed, arrogant and highly delusional. And believe me, for a fool like me, a hot face/body/particular anatomical section cannot cover up such major defects. (It works supremely for others, though. Yes, #49, I’m looking at you again! :p)

It also explains why I never was a part of The Gang. This was due to my appearance (yeah, yeah…), my malapropistic tendencies, my refusal to simply accept things without question etc. Basically, I have what people call “an attitude”. Now exactly why that is something wrong is a question I haven’t been able to answer, yet!

Not being a “beautiful person” has been a bummer only in terms of “not getting a chick (or is it chic?)”, but since that’s #5111918 on my priority list (Which is way below “Rob Rupert Murdoch”, just below “Learn the ‘Beat It’ and ‘Smooth Criminal’ dance moves” but above “Kill Bill… O’Reilly”) I guess it really doesn’t bother me.

The upshot, of course, is the moral of the story: I’m building my life on skills that will not desert me naturally one day. Yes, yes. A healthy lifestyle and advances in medicine can take a running jump. Looks go. Deal with it.

10 Comments

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10 responses to ““Beauty” and Eddies In The Spacetime Continuum

  1. usha16

    Hi Harish,

    I read your articles…. sincerely ( as i promised… ) and i made one “big” mistake of reading them “all” at a go… Oh ! boy! What a truck load(shit load) of emotions you have strewn around for everyone to trample on ( if they understand..) and continue in the path, totally uncaring.
    You are right in a way that We all ( including me.. ) crave for RECOGNITION …. even if it is going to be in a scale of nanogram and even if it is in form of an insignificant, yet significant ( to us…) smile as appreciation for what we are.

    I recently read in a quotation book(women’s) that said” When a man gets up to speak,he is first listened to and then lokked at, but if a woman gets up to speak, she is first looked at and if liked what is seen then only she is listened to…” This was ofcourse said a way back- in 18th century. Now i think that goes for a man too— with all the celluloid banners, gyms,come hither smiles on the bill boards,bulging muscles with shirts open…creams and lotions for men exclusively etc. So it becomes very natural for women and men alike to look at the person and if they like what they see then they go further to listen … actually.
    I know your feeling only too well and take it from me ,to be on the other side( the proverbial greener side…) is also not very comfy. i claim myself to be very “eye catchy” ( what with a beautiful face and not so beautiful figure… in fact with a BIG body)… and with some BRAINS( thank GOD for that…). I have proof of what i felt during my tenure at school as a teacher in Kenya , when i rose to power too fast for some people’s comfort. Oh ..My! all that JJJJ…vibrating around me trying very hard to smother me in the process and i needed to spend extra bit of my intelligence to overcome that by being deliberately “NICE” to all… ( do you need intelligence to be nice… a nice question… huh!) ……..and thus ended abruptly my taste of power and victory when we left for India and all others sighed relief.
    Aside…. my mom still watches my waist line, stomach line, arm line and all other lines watchable and plunges me with oats porridge to cracked wheat in place of rice and i plurge them all with chocolates (she doesnt know that…). So even at 42 moms can be overwhelming… you need to spend time with her to know that.. and aint i too nice with her to put up with all this.. and that’s me… a masochist.. in the purest sense.

    oops , sorry for the sideline…. too long… so in this great(fucking.. ) world, looks are needed with Brains to be accepted in the “GROUP” and yet you are resented for having “BOTH”. Harish! you are blessed with brains and exploit it to the hilt and work on the figure at the same time… ( you can do this if you run with Ashwin…or after him….)
    Here comes finally my ‘PINK” pill filled with Vitamin to boost your flagging spirits and say ” YOU ARE GREAT HARISH’.. Now you can fluff up your feathers and strut like a peacock and wait till you are noticed by a peahen one day( huh!.. huh! … to realise what you are made of… if she isnt scared off in the first place ..either by your looks or by your razor sharp brains ,…) ALL THE BEST and BLESSINGS TO YOU.

    By the way! so much for a comment… Ashwin is going to feel J, tell him that i shall be writing to him too soon.

    Usha

  2. usha16

    Hi do i get a snickers bar? thats my favourite and i can devour them in dozens… dont get scared.
    Usha

  3. Brilliant, is it not ? 42 has to get mentioned, inadvertenly, on a select selection of blogs.

    Alacrappy you are quite an odd ball – the least you could do is tell me you won / won honours at the creative writing competition (congratulations – kudos to what the pen can say when it settles into your clumsy hands – a link to what you wrote please.) and when you find a team mate and there is a change of plans – LET ME KNOW !! Telekinesis ain’t the best mode of communication !! 12:00 p.m. in the night and a half drunk Mr. B Hasin / B dot lets me in on the details.

    Your ‘theory of looks’ is relevant and could well withstand the criticism a ‘canon’ may face, however, I feel it is not comprehensive. For eg. whenever was being a part of the gang, a function of appearance.

    Apart from the choicest plaudits you bestowed upon me at the ‘crucible’ and the implied ones you have showered on me by typecasting me in the ‘repulsive set’ – thanks for calling me an asshole – but I can’t quite accept that distinction.

    Eddies In the Space-time Continuum – Purple patch ?

    Snickers ?

  4. @ DK:

    Alacrappy you are quite an odd ball

    Re-stating the obvious, aren’t thou?

    the least you could do is tell me you won / won honours at the creative writing competition (congratulations – kudos to what the pen can say when it settles into your clumsy hands – a link to what you wrote please.)

    Didn’t have balance, sorry! And thanks a lot. Link… check this out for a rough idea.

    and when you find a team mate and there is a change of plans – LET ME KNOW !!

    Team mate and change in plan? What the fuck was that drunken not-so-secret admirer going on about?

    Your ‘theory of looks’ is relevant and could well withstand the criticism a ‘canon’ may face, however, I feel it is not comprehensive. For eg. whenever was being a part of the gang, a function of appearance.

    Being a part of the gang IS a function of appearance. Good-looking people automatically find entry into peer groups despite terrible personalities and complete lack of gray and white matter.

    Apart from the choicest plaudits you bestowed upon me at the ‘crucible’ and the implied ones you have showered on me by typecasting me in the ‘repulsive set’ – thanks for calling me an asshole – but I can’t quite accept that distinction.

    I did not cast you in the ‘repulsive set’. Take not my insults to heart, I mean you no harm. And I didn’t call you an asshole, you’re not one unless your over-the-top modesty is a reverse-psycho trick to gain attention and make people praise you. Admit the good things about you, man. That’s all I say.

    @ Usha Aunty
    I’ve given up whatever little hopes I ever had of finding a ‘peahen’, but thank you for the comment and praise. I guess you and my friend DK are those few ultra-rare exceptions to the norm I’ve come across. Hopefully, I’ll find more, but the chances, as opposed to Ashwin and self, look pretty slim right now! 😀

  5. usha16

    Hi Harish,
    take heart man. there is a purpose behind everything. who is pretty by the way? according to me you and ashwin -both are pretty.

    you didnt let me know if an entitled for bar of ‘snickers”.
    Usha

  6. #49

    heyyy algy….make nicer references to me na!!….tell me though is it wrong??(CM etc.)……………………well and i totally agree with usha(aunty!?!…sure??) here….u are great yaar, pakka!….and i also agrre with her on that mother’s thing, i just hope my mom’s not like that when i am 42, or i just hope i have an hourglass figure then..sigh!!

  7. blahandblah

    Call me a baboon with a shallow taste in ‘literature’.. but I actually did like what you wrote.. And thank heaven’s i see a blog a trifle more active than alot others

  8. Oneiros

    Dear Sir,

    I had a long and insightful comment ready, before I read “algy”.

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Thanking you,
    Yours etc.
    blablabla.

    PS: I disagree with #5.
    5. Which is also why these people get F’d in the A. once they’re 40.
    Botox. Aka Botulin Toxin. Yaay for science? No. Hell no.

  9. blabla baba,

    Last paragraph. Foo’! I COULD insult you… but taking candy from a baby is not quite my level.

  10. Nitesh

    congrats ALACRAPY

    your thoughts got featured on COMEDY CENTRAl

    just at the time you were blogging about them

    Matt Stone and Trye Parker took the liberty of showing SOuth park

    The List ep is totally dedicated to ur divine thoughts

    long live 42

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