1. Stick to your dreams and continue playing the waiting game. Build your measly, pathetic future with every little scrap you pick up on the way. Maybe you’ve grossly overestimated yourself, maybe you haven’t but you STILL won’t make it because you lacked the right opportunity or maybe you had the right opportunity, but you didn’t stick your foot through the door.
2. Do what you know you’ll succeed at. You’ll do everything right and make it without any hassles at all. You’ll be called a “successful person”. Money, power etc… et cetera. But it’s not what you want, is it?
Can an army of sycophants, a big house, a stylish car and everything else that comes along with “success” make up for the sinking feeling you’ll get every time you’ll look in the mirror and realize you compromised on your dreams?
I’ve been going through this philosophical conundrum for nearly five years now, and I think I’m at the verge of accepting defeat. Or maybe I have enough to keep fighting. Say what you want against me, but I know that I’ve been through too much to accept defeat. Fucking up supremely but facing the consequences with your chin up and the ability to gather every last ounce of energy in one’s body to slowly, but surely raise the middle finger to life and the world in general. That’s my redeeming feature. That’s right. Life and fate fuck around with me, but I won’t give up. Not just yet, bitches.
Then again, maybe I’ve had enough of fighting. Maybe I’m willing to give up and allow my life to be less complicated. Maybe it’s better to settle for a small victory rather than risk a major failure whilst shooting for the stars.
I have too many people around me who’re doing something with their lives and yet believe that their existence sucks. It depresses me. They do not know what it means to waste their lives. To watch a deluge of mediocrity go by as you wait for the right moment to make your move.
I made a decision, not to opt out of the rat race but rather to never join. Instead of leaving me out, this decision has left me in last place. I’m in last place in a race I CAN win, but I do not want to be in it. Should I join? I can still claw my way back up to a podium finish, at least if not victory itself. But I don’t want to. I hate this damn rat race. It’s called a rat race for a fucking reason, you fools!
It all boils down to an exam I’ll be giving next year. The question is, which one will it be? Give the one which, if I get what I want out of it, will make me the happiest living creature in the solar system but which carries a high chance of failure OR the one which I know I’ll ace, but won’t make me anywhere remotely as happy.
I’ve always maintained that anyone who’s rich and complains about his/her problems in life deserves nothing more than a good kick in the seat of their trousers… but can money really buy happiness? Can it? Should I try?
It helps in situations like this to have a mentor. A guide, if you will. Yet, I’m the guy who’s called Sensei. So where’s the Sensei’s sensei?