Monthly Archives: November 2007

My life is becoming way to fictional for my own good.

It’s gone from being a Monty Python-esque absurdist comedy to something far more dangerous. My life’s becoming a Neo Noir movie, minus the graphic sex L!!

But first, “I went to them thaar Venky’s. Again. I came second in the quiz. Again.” This is becoming annoying! This quiz was literally gifted to the Stephanians (or is Steve-anians? Ste-pun-ians?). Thanks to our seating arrangement, we scored ONLY from direct questions, whereas Stephanians got around six or seven passed questions. Sitters, too! So it goes.

The prize money was in the form of a cheque addressed to me. We went to the college branch of Andhra Bank to get it cashed. We expected a good amount of bureaucracy and were hoping to get the cash by today itself. The manager looks at the name and asks, “Telugu?”. “Yes, sir.” (In telugu) “Oh! Me, too! Came second in the quiz, eh? Well done. Well done. Just sign behind the cheque. There you go. And, what do you think of the college? Did you try the Vada-Sambar at the canteen? It’s really good here. Well done, again. Congratulations and everything. Here’s your money.” Vernacular saves the day again!

After this was when the excreta really hit the overhead rotatory cooling device! I had to go to Dinesh Kapur’s house (IIT Campus… right behind it) to pick up my copy of ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’, a book which I am finally reading after nearly everyone I know has suggested that I do so. I was exhausted and was dying to go home.

The AIIMS flyover. I had to get to the other side to board one of those call-center cabs that give you a lift to Noida. I head for the underpass. There were no lights. Pitch dark. I was three-fourths my way there when…

This is true. Including me thinking. It’s the ONLY skill I have. In a pressure situation, I think like crazy. The ol’ noodle works real fast.

I’m grabbed from behind. The assailant tries to put his arm around my neck, gets the base of my neck and shoulder instead. His other arm lands on my leg, where my wallet is and he frantically tries to shove his hand in my pocket and grab it.

Till now, I didn’t react. I did come to three conclusions, though:

  1. This guy is shorter and probably weaker than I am. I could tell that from his arm and the fact that he was pulling me down. Drug-addict. He stank.
  2. He is extraordinarily stupid. I’m larger than him, he shouldn’t have attacked me. Plus, his grip is not properly around my neck and he didn’t try to correct and tighten it.
  3. The reason I didn’t react all the while is because I thought that either he’s armed or not alone. The moment he reached for my pocket with his other hand, I knew he’s screwed.

I’d had a bad day. I needed this, maybe. I ran backwards and this poor fool ended up between a wall and my 85-kg bulk. I probably broke one of ribs in the process of slamming him thus. Obviously his hands slumped and he clutched his chest, cursing in some indecipherable hindi-bhojpuri dialect. I replied with a “Motherfucker!” and aimed a brilliant kick in order to end any hopes this asshole had of ever becoming a father. In hindsight, I realize that wasn’t necessary, but I don’t regret it. He started it!

Now cometh the moment of truth. If I’m faking, I’d add some amazing gang and me beating the shit out of them and finally, finishing the leader with a cool punchline. But since it’s true, all I did was run my ass up to AIIMS and quickly hide in the crowd… watching the underpass all the while. No one came out. Less than 30 seconds later, I got a HCL cab to Noida.

ME MACHO-MAN! ME BEAT SOMEONE UP! ALL HAILING TO ME!

I’m just thankful. I’ll probably avoid that underpass for some time now.

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Filed under Life, The Bullshit Is Out There, V for Violence, What. The. Hell?, Why Life Sucks

Persona non give-a-damn

I guess I’m no longer the “flava” of the week/month/<insert timespan here>

I get the distinctive feeling that I’m moving away from people as they move away from me. Don’t ask me why, it’s just happening. Maybe that’s a good thing.

For some time, I allowed the notion to enter my head that maybe… just maybe, there is still hope for someone like myself. That I’m not this universally despised maniac. Guess I was wrong. College does that to you. For four years, you’re thrust into society, even if you don’t want it. I got some sort of limelight… a faint and fleeting moment of fame where I got a barrage of emails, GTalk chats, smses, orkut scraps and the works from a long list (by my standards) of people. That’s gone now, or it appears to have.

DK says that I’m still in the positive curve of my sinusoidal wave (I hate HATE Electronics, man) as I try to rectify my brain circuits. (D’oh!) Amnesia… sounds like heaven right now. I wish there were some thngs I could just forget completely. Unfortunately, I have a penchant for forgetting important things (like submission dates for files and assignments and entries to Associateship Programmes) and remembering the exact same things that you ought to forget (like conversations you have with people and emotions! God damn those things!)

I also started dividing my friends into groups. I decided that a “good friend” is someone I have shared a certain amount of information with or in whose company I am at ease. Many people in this list will probably go, “Wha-? Me?” simply because in their opinion, we barely know each other. But you ought to realize that I’m calling YOU MY friend. Vice-versa is not really necessary.

I guess this list exhaustively includes DK, Wonko The Sane @ Infy [got posted to Pune… could’ve gone to Bangalore, but the foo’! wants to stay in the Chaddigrad SEZ(sic.)], Venom, das roommates (doesn’t mean that my urge to throttle the bastards has diminished), Ankur, Swati, Priya, my seniors at Bethany (Sohan, Mithra, Nikhil, Vinyas, Avinash etc) and oddly enough, ~Life Is Beautiful~, with whom I’ve had just a few hours worth of cyber conversation!

People and relationships were never my strong point and my inexperience is showing. I cannot take what people vehemently claim are ‘genuine compliments’. That’s because of this nagging fear that keeps saying, “They’re lying. You’re being mocked”. Wonko’s right, I guess, I’m paranoid(a) (but not an android).

I need to do something that’ll get my mind off things like this very soon. End-sems coming up and I’m worried. Really worried.

Subterranean Homesick Alien by (who else?) Radiohead. That’s the song that describes me right now.

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Sin City and a few not-so-wisecracks

Been reading, or rather, re-reading quite a bit of Frank Miller’s ‘Sin City’ graphic novels. Take my word for it, the man is a brilliant story-teller and if you’re a fan of noir… well, what can I say! Beware though, it’s filled with graphic depictions of sex, violence and every negative emotion the human mind can possibly concieve.

There was a Sin City movie a couple of years ago which received media attention ONLY because of what Jessica Alba wore in her role as the stripper, Nancy. My current favorite actor, Clive Owen, played the role of Dwight McCarthy. I cannot think of a better choice. The flick was based on the stories, ‘That Yellow Bastard’, ‘The Big Fat Kill’ and ‘The Hard Goodbye’.

I would say that my favorite story has to be, ‘A Dame To Kill For’. Apparently, Sin City 2 is going to feature this story! 😀 Also, they’re probably going to cast Angelina Jolie as Ava Lord. You might say, “Oh, no! Not another seductress role! Beowulf was bad enough, thank you“, but I ask of thee, if not her… who? I shall assume from your silence that you are in agreement.

Also, according to highly unreliable sources, ‘Hell and Back: A Sin City Love Story’ is also going to get a celluloid makeover with Johnny Depp as Wallace. Wait a second… Johnny Depp? Law of averages, I guess. Two perfect castings have to be countered with one completely buggered one. I doubt if Frank will allow it, though. Any Johnny Depp fans who disagree better take a look at the illustration of Wallace. I know this sounds extraordinarily stupid, but the character of Wallace needs someone like a long-haired Hritik Roshan. Not that he should be cast, of course! Neo Noir is not a form of cinema that anyone from the Indian Melodramatic Farce Film Industry can handle.

Apart from that… going through another bout of writer’s bloc (sic.) Speaking of which, saw a T-shirt caption that said, “Bad Grammar makes me (sic.)”. Where do people get this stuff? Why can’t I have any? 😦

What else… people are asking me how I know so much about smoking a cigarette properly? Keep guessing…

And I’ve cut me hair. Commanded by a spiderman villain/snake spit and orchestrated by Goofy, this 100-rupee haircut is the most I’ve ever spent on my epidermal follicles. People say I actually look good, but I know better than to believe stuff like that. If I do look good, though…

I have a message for ye shallow and stupid but sexy girls :

“HERE’S JOHNNY!”

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Filed under "Zapped", *cough cough* comedy, Art, Be Afraid, be VERY Afraid, Books, Cinema, College, Crap Rating- *****, Film, Life, Money, Random, Rants, Relationshits, The Bullshit Is Out There, Unsolicited solicitor of advice

Short story in progress…

I lit another one. A Marlboro. That’s my brand of cancer-inducement. We long-term suicidals are brand loyalists too, you know. I sat there staring at it. Staring at the glint of the fire that was burning up the nicotine, arsenic and 400 other poisons held in that thin, white stick. I put it to my mouth and gave it a damn blowjob. Smoking is better than alcohol any day; I’ll tell you that right now and save you the trouble of getting drunk. Alcohol is a depressant. That’s why you see drunks picking fights and crying, whereas cigarettes are anti-depressants hence the laidback smoker. I sucked in the concoction of highly poisonous gases into my lungs. It burned my throat just a little. The mistake all my “friends”, who’re smokers too, make is quite simple. Hubris. They take the first few puffs very fast waiting for the high. By the time it comes, they’re cigarette’s finished. They light another one and start from the top. I know better. You keep a steady pace and exhibit some patience. The high will come. It did now. My legs felt weak and my head felt a whole lot lighter as I gave out a weird smile and took in another puff. That’s the right way to do it. The high intensified. I played ‘The Beatles’ on my Apple MacBook Pro. I began to chuckle and laugh. Another few puffs and I was in heaven. I began to look at my life and think about the infinite bunch of shitheads who malign it regularly and the two people who make it worth something. The last puff is a biggie; you take it all in and hold it while extinguishing the butt. Then let it go slowly as you lean back and begin to reflect on matters that require the heightened attention, memory and consciousness you get out of the devil’s bargain with nicotine.

Dames. Listen to every word they say. Then follow it without question. What happens? They despise you because you don’t respect yourself and get pushed around easily. Don’t listen to every word and do what you want. They despise you because you don’t respect them and push them around.

But what do I despise? I despise ants. Scuttling around the ground, carrying humungous loads, never stopping, never resting. All this work for a queen who doesn’t even know they’re there. Instead all she does all day is give birth to more. A whore-queen commanding the allegiance of mindless workers who are systematically and brutally made to toil for every second of their pointless little lives, all for the mythical “colony”. Poor bastards, they’ll never live in that mythical place. That’s because the moment it’s complete, an eight-year-old kid with a microscope will shine his light on that crazy diamond and follow it up with a stomp dance on the life’s effort of thousands.

I hate ants. They work and work and work. All for nothing and nothing for all.

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Filed under Art, Be Afraid, be VERY Afraid, Crap Rating- *****, Ideas, Life, Phic-tion, Random, The Bullshit Is Out There

Life, the Universe and a short attention span

  • “Hey Joe…. Where the fuck are you going with that gun in your hand??? I said, Hey Joe…. Where the fuck are you going with that gun in your hand??? I’m gonna shoot my lady… I caught her messing around with another man”
  • “Everyyyythiiiiiiinnnnngggggg…. Evvveeerrryyythhiiiinnngggg’s In It’s Riiiiiight Place. Riiiiiight Place. Everrryythiii…. Iiiiiiinnnnnn…. Nnnnnn….gggggg…. Every-….. nnnnn…..”

The loss of sensory inhibition. One of the most amazing feelings that you will ever experience. Add Jimi and Radiohead and you’re in temporary temporal heaven.

Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon. I know I shouldn’t, but hell… ‘twas enough. ‘Twill do.

Girls. Allow me to paraphrase the great Homer Jay in saying, “Feminine gender. The cause of and cure to all of life’s problems.” Nineteen years where I was only a spectator to the great drama of relationships went by with me believing that there are bigger things in life. Now as an active participant in this charade, I still feel that there are bigger things in life, but having trouble in the realm of relationshits coupled with a GPA that’s two point eight points below where it ought to be for your ability AND the fact that you’re nineteen and still haven’t mastered Gauge Theory, Abelian Group Theory, the Standard Model, Supersymmetry and the Higgs Mechanism and the compounded pain in the anal orifice that none of this is in your academic syllabus… yup it’s the final icing on the shit-cake that’s your life.

Ashwin tries to make me feel better by pointing out what’s good in my life. Buddy… being in Mensa and having a supposedly 99% percentile IQ, coming second repeatedly in quizzes and minor debates and being a whorehouse of worthless intelligence counts for dick when you’re a slacker seven-point-something B.Tech in Aerospace Engineering from Amity University.

I see dead people. They’re everywhere. Most of them don’t know they’re dead.

Can I dare to say that I feel like Winston Smith + Yossarian + (alright, Ankur…) Howard Roark?

Missed the selection round for NatGeo Genius- India. Was due to start in Gurgaon at around the time I woke up. By 1530, I was at Lado Sarai, but there was no chance of me making it. 3rd semester’s almost up. Didn’t go well AT ALL. Planning to move to the hostel next year. Most of my friends are there, anyways.

Watching ‘Van Wilder’ and ‘Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj’ along with videos of Russell Peters, Gabriel Iglesias and Dave Atell. Guys, if you ever find a girl who simultaneously enjoys movies like Van Wilder, 300 and Good Will Hunting… don’t lose her. Ever.

Saw Beowulf. Huge disappointment. Great CGI, though.

The problem with my promised post on relationships and sex et all… wrote it on the computer that’s in the Aerospace Engineering Lab (which attracts the gaze of students from the Fashion Tech department as they go from the Garment Construction Lab to the cafeteria and back). Server was down, so couldn’t post it. I come back the next day and poof! Vanished without a fucking trace!

I’ll try again, though. Next post, promise.

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Filed under "Zapped", *cough cough* comedy, Art, As Porf. Frink says..., Be Afraid, be VERY Afraid, Blogroll, College, Crap Rating- *****, Film, Ideas, Life, Random, Rants, Relationshits, The "Gentler" Sex? Yeah Right, The Bullshit Is Out There, What. The. Hell?, Why Life Sucks

Let It Be

Why has my life ended up like a sequence of ‘The Beatles’ songs?

Strange, eh? Mind = Radiohead… Life = The Beatles.

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Filed under Life

Eh, what?

No emails or orkut scraps for TWO whole days! 😮 !!!

Has everyone forgotten me, finally? YES! Woo-hoo!

Am currently fooling around on the internet whilst listening to this sample selection of  songs:

  • The Eraser ~ Thom Yorke
  • Still Waiting ~ Sum 41
  • Here Without You ~ 3 Doors Down
  • Thunderstruck ~ AC lightning bolt DC
  • Smooth Criminal ~  Alien Ant Farm
  • XL Ki Kudiyan ~ Bodhi Tree (:D If you haven’t heard this one yet… get your hands on this song ASAP!)
  • Smoke On The Water ~ Deep Purple
  • Sultans of Swing ~ Dire Straits
  • Roadhouse Blues ~ The Doors
  • Blue ~ Eiffel 65
  • Feel Good Inc. ~ The Gorillaz

Wanted to write about something I had discovered about the supposedly “gentler sex” and to be precise, the nature of their lust and sexual fantasies… maybe sometime later.

Trailer for soon-to-be-coming-post:

Why do guys like porn? Are girls a bunch of hypocrites? Do they REALLY want a guy who’s “intelligent, caring and has a great sense of humor” or is that a load of crap? Views on these sensitive topics and more! All thanks to having to share lunch tables with “specimens” from my college (no, not you Mahajan, Murthy, Srinivasan and Sati! The others…)

And to quote my friend Nikhil Menon,

“No, I’m not a cynic. You’re just too much of an optimist!”

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Filed under "Fluid Exchange", "Zapped", *cough cough* comedy, Art, Be Afraid, be VERY Afraid, College, Random, Rants, Relationshits