Pirates! Doryphores! Gobbledygooks! Filibusters! Slubberdegullions! Patagonians! Vampires! Sycophant! Kleptomaniacs! Egoists! Tramps! Monopolizers! Pockmarks! Belemnite! Crooks! Miserable earthworms! Coconuts! Harlequin! Parasites! Macrocephalic baboon! Brutes! Guano gatherer! Pachyrhizus! Toads! Gyroscope! Bougainvillea! Bloodsuckers! Nincompoop! Shipwreckers! Cyclone! Gallows-fodder! Politician! Baboon! Torturers! Fuzzy-wuzzy! Blackbird! Mountebanks! Cannibal! Duck-billed platypus! Black-beetles! Ruffian! Vermicellis! Lily-livered bandicoots! Rats! Logarithm! Cro-Magnon! Freshwater swabs! Beasts! Bully! Anthropophagus!
Thank you, Captain Haddock. But they’re also MY ROOMMATES!!!
That’s right! Miserable copyright stealing ungrateful brutes!
First Citizen: Why dost thou swear at thou dosts?
THF: I’ll tell thee why. For they taketh from me what is not theirs to have and call it thy own! ‘Tis my lament! My lament!
Second Citizen: What dost thy speaketh of? Why hast thy dost taken that hurts thee so?
First Citizen: But this cannot be! How can they? Be’eth not they thou friend anymore? Screw that, be’eth not they the ones sane? The ones bought up by and willing, nay, looking forward to living as informed and empowered members of society (pragmatism not idealism)?
Second Citizen: Address them! Address them, noble THF! And tak’st back what is yours… thy insanity that thy knaves-for-friends steal!
Crowd: Address them, you must! Address them you must!
THF: By your leave, gentlemen, I shall do so.
Third Citizen: Sorry I got delayed, traffic’s a nightmare. What did I miss?
Third Citizen lynched by crowd.
THF: Noble roommates! I ask of you; as a friend, as a man who you lay down with every night (except whenever you go home), as someone who shares a purely platonic non-homosexual relationship with you… STOP! You know not what you do… How you harm me and shame me and insult me every time you do it. You may have problems, indeed, for who doesn’t? Who so exists if his existence is not wrought with pain and suffering? What life is lived if one does not wish for death ever so often? Verily, I know what you feel like… Life is indeed not downloading porn (so easy, so simple, so satisfying…), but akin to studying C++ when thy Professor has knowledge not and thou art a lazy fool travelling 35 kilometers a day to get to thy college! But noble, fair and honorable men… take not my claim of insanity, for thou know’st it not! Thou think’st it a headache, when forsooth! ’tis a crown of thorns! All pointy and hurty with the stabbing and the bleeding and the hundred percent chance of PAIN! PAIN IN THE GLAIVIN!! Thoust not insane. Thoust never can be insane. Think not my rants apply to thee, for verily… they are MY rants, not thine. Cease it… cease it. ‘Tis all I ask of you.
(c) 2007. Harish Alagappa.