Shivering Me Timbers…

 All right, let’s be honest; nobody expects Pirates of the Carribean-3 to be in the same league as say, The Departed. However, it appears that the “bad third movie” summer is continuing. If Spiderman: 3 wasn’t bad enough (Venom! You had Venom and the main focus of the movie was Peter Parker’s relationship troubles? sonofa…) Hyderabad is heaven for a movie buff. Especially if your tastes in cinema require the following formula:

  1. Guy (a.k.a. the “Hero”, a fifty-something actor who you worship fervently) is a ruffian/poor guy who keeps getting into fights.
  2. Girl (a.k.a. the “Heroine”, a twenty-something or younger who gets approximately one tenth the pay that the “Hero” gets. These actresses cannot, ironically, act; but they are most definitely beautiful) is a rich girl with a very possessive father/elder brother.
  3. Girl hates guy.
  4. Guy convinces girl to fall in love with her. (Parts 3 and 4 involve many *cough, cough* comedy sequences and approximately four songs with idiotic dance sequences in three European countries. If you ever come across any of these sequences being shot abroad, I suggest that you claim to be a Pakistani and laugh at the stupid Indians)
  5. Antagonist. (a.k.a. the “Villain”, a fifty-something with a huge moustache and who apparently can do little else than shout around and threaten people. I.e. he’s a Vogon.) Threatens hero to leave his daughter/sister alone.
  6. Guy fights Antagonist and wins. Antagonist convinced and hands over the daughter/sister’s hand in marriage. Happy ending.

 Otherwise, too, movie watching is a treat here as the tickets are nearly half the price of movie tickets in Delhi. After that pretty lengthy and unnecessary introduction, let me get down to brass tacks.  I went to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: 3 – At World’s End’ at Prasad’s multiplex. By now, you must’ve realized that not only is it a terrible movie, it also miserably fails in it’s purpose of being mindless entertainment. The reason is simple: they are trying to make an epic, a life changing work of art, a ‘Lord of the Rings’, if you will. But… this is a movie about Pirates and violates something we all learnt at a very, very young age and the world has known since the sixteenth century: The World is NOT Flat. This is personified by the starting sequence of a young boy singing some silly pirate song while he and a whole lot of other people, who look like the crowd one would find in a Noida-Dadri bus, are being “hanged until dead”. The abomination begins with the insufferable Kiera Knightley and one of the only two people in the movie who look like Pirates, Geoffrey Rush. The other is NOT Johnny Depp. They meet Chow Yung Fat (ten of the approximately twenty minutes of screen time that he has in the movie) and after a bit of fighting and sad excuses for comedy, they set out to save Johnny Depp. The rest of the two and the half hour torture features of all things: ·        Johnny Depp’s ship being saved from a desert by millions of white scuttling crabs that can transform into large pebbles.·        Chow Yung Fat cheating Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp.·        Orlando Bloom, cheating the above.·        Some weird story about “Calypso”, no not the dance form, apparently the Goddess of the sea.·        A pirate convention where they show a weak-voiced Sardar as being a “samudra ka lootera”. ·        Chow Yung Fat dying and making Kiera Knightley the Pirate Lord.·        An appearance by the second of the ‘only two people in the movie who look like Pirates’, Keith Richards. All he ever does is open a book, strum a tune on a little Spanish guitar before breaking its string and showing a shrunken head as Johnny Depp’s mother.·        Knightley giving a terrible speech to motivate her crew before a big battle. ·        The big battle, during which Bloom and Knightley, (I swear this is true!) are married by Geoffrey Rush.  ·        Bloom being killed and Depp then killing the heart of Davy Jones with Bloom’s hand; hence Bloom now becomes the Captain of the ghost-ship.·        A weird love sequence between Bloom and Knightley and the promise that they can have a wild night of passion… once every ten years.·        Depp being abandoned by Rush and getting slapped by a couple of pirate ‘hos. That’s that. I am now positively terrified of watching Ocean’s 13, Die Hard 4.0 or even The Simpsons movie. It appears that my habit of watching only one movie a year was pretty smart. It allowed me to not only escape having to watch bad movies in a place where the screen is huge and where I cannot leave or change the channel, it also ensured that… something to do with losing intelligence but I don’t remember what it was. In conclusion, Hollywood is not as bad as I thought it was… it’s worse.  And will someone please give Kiera Knightley ten of the best with a cane (preferably, A. Upjohn’s). She’s quickly making her way into the league of extraordinarily annoying twits that feature among others; Ayn Rand and the “cool dudes” of my “college”.

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Filed under *cough cough* comedy, Art, Cartoons, Film, Life, Rants, Reviews, The Bullshit Is Out There

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