Monthly Archives: March 2007

This is What You Get… When You Mess With ME!

There is a very rare version of “Karma Police” finding its way into people’s collections, it is a bootleg recorded from a live show and has different lyrics:

“This is what you’ll get, this is what you’ll get
This is what you’ll get, when you mess with ME”

– Wikipedia

Can I brag? Of course I can! Give me my pizza you patriotic idiots! muhahahahahahaha!!!!

Back history: I predicted that India is going to lose to Bangladesh on March 17th, 2007. The reason: Habibul Bashar’s comment made a few weeks back on Sportscenter India. I couldn’t find the exact quote, but it was basically something like this, “We have been practicing, training and playing our cricket over the last six to seven months with only ONE aim in mind. To beat India on March 17th.”
We have been systematically targeted by Bangladesh (this is not new in some respects, but it is in sports). They had decided that the only way to proceed in this tournament is by beating India and their entire training schedule was based on this plan. Thus, we went complacently into a match against a team that has been training specifically to beat us in this very match.
Reaction: I was laughed at by certain people who allowed their patriotism to take the place of reason. “No Way!” They said, “We’re too good for them, any day!” We’re too good for them? Yes. But not today. Not when they’ve come here with a vengeance. “Alright” said one, on whose choice of girlfriends potential girlfriends I have already commented, “If India wins, you treat us for a Pizza. And if, as if it’ll ever happen, India loses (*laughter all around*), we’ll treat you to Pizzas.”
“No!” said Akhil, “We’ll treat you at Geoffrey’s!”
Note: Geoffrey’s is an expensive restaurant/bar located at Centerstage, Noida.
And so, the bet was made.
Consequence: India lost to Bangladesh by 5 wickets.
We won the toss and batted first. Sehwag was in extraordinary form, scoring two whole runs! Uthappa and Sachin struggled scoring 9 and 7 off a combined total of 43 balls! Dravid looked in decent form, but mistook a Rafique delivery and went for 14. We looked screwed at 72/4. Sourav and Yuvraj played sheet anchors, putting on 85 runs quickly enough (we were 90/4 in 30 overs and 157/4 in 42 overs). Then, in characteristic Indian domino (hey, Pizza!) style, we lost the next 5 wickets for 2 runs in 3 overs! Zaheer and Munaf entertained with some big hitting to get us to 191. Our ultimate excuse was “bad pitch”, but a no. 10 and no.11 put on 30 runs in 6 overs, hello? If anyone saw how Bangladesh bowled and fielded, you would’ve known that “motivated” is an understatement to describe these guys. The biggies (Sachin, Dravid etc.) were restricted and were forced into making errors. Dhoni was pressurized into throwing his wicket away and even Sourav Ganguly hesitated while playing a left-arm spinner!
Anyway, Bangladesh got to 192 losing 5 wickets, thanks largely to an 84-run partnership for the 4th wicket. Among the bowlers, Munaf was perhaps the most consistent. Agarkar wasn’t aggressive enough. We should’ve played Pathan, but too late now.
Lesson: Don’t take anyone lightly, have a good memory. Right. When do we eat?

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And Your Wise Men Don’t Know How It Feels…

Jethro Tull. The band that introduced me to rock music. Since listening to them for the first time in 1999; Led Zeppelin may have let the sun beat down upon my face and stars to fill my dream, Iron Maiden has asked As the guards march me out to the courtyard Someone calls from a cell “God be with you” If there’s a God then why has he let me die?, Radiohead as said that We Are Accidents Waiting To Happen, And nothing else compares to how Coldplay has Fixed Me… but… Ian Anderson and the lads have still been special.
I got my hands on an antique. A tape of Thick As A Brick. I’m making it an MP3.
It’s tragic. They’re remembered as the band that “stole” the first ever Best Hard Rock/Metal Grammy from Metallica. Yeah, I agree, And Justice for All… deserved it. But Tull deserved so many other awards. Album of the Year – Aqualung, Thick As A Brick, Living In The Past, Songs From The Wood. Innumerable Song of The Year awards for Aqualung, Thick As A Brick, Bungle in the Jungle, Minstrel in the Gallery, Songs From The Wood etc. Screw it, though. They still rock.
Most albums have a fixed pattern. A formula. 10 songs. If you get 14 or more, say, “We/I worked really hard while making this album. I had this… creative BURST of energy…you know…” etc. One major pre-release hit with sexy video to boot that receives extensive TV and radio airplay and is heard everywhere. Release album. Release second single. This should takeover from the pre-release first hit single, as by now, people are sick of it. The second single is a more “hard-hitting, gritty” song that deals with the problems that the singer/band or someone else went through. This should have “dark, painful and mean” lyrics with “heavy instrumentation” and “gruff vocals”. The video should be dark, shot in extensive rain and maybe even in black and white. A few months later, when album sales decline, release third single. This should be a “moving” song. The kind which either tells you how hard/happy (depending on what kind of artist is releasing it) it is to be the singer/band. The video of this song is a compilation of videos that show
1. The singer/band in everyday life. Kissing the camera and smiling/pissed of and hitting the camera.
2. Snippets of concert performances and hysterically shouting fans.
3. The singer/band all happy amongst the attention/ironically feeling alone amidst the adulation.
Album sells 2-3 million if bad, 6-7 million if OK and 10+ million if good. Move on to next one. Repeat formula.
The album Thick As A Brick has 1 song. Here it is.

Thick As A Brick

Really don’t mind if you sit this one out.

My words but a whisper — your deafness a SHOUT.
I may make you feel but I can’t make you think.
Your sperm’s in the gutter — your love’s in the sink.
So you ride yourselves over the fields and
you make all your animal deals and
your wise men don’t know how it feels to be thick as a brick.
And the sand-castle virtues are all swept away in
the tidal destruction
the moral melee.
The elastic retreat rings the close of play as the last wave uncovers
the newfangled way.
But your new shoes are worn at the heels and
your suntan does rapidly peel and
your wise men don’t know how it feels to be thick as a brick.

And the love that I feel is so far away:
I’m a bad dream that I just had today — and you
shake your head and
say it’s a shame.

Spin me back down the years and the days of my youth.
Draw the lace and black curtains and shut out the whole truth.
Spin me down the long ages: let them sing the song.

See there! A son is born — and we pronounce him fit to fight.
There are black-heads on his shoulders, and he pees himself in the night.
We’ll
make a man of him
put him to trade
teach him
to play Monopoly and
to sing in the rain.

The Poet and the painter casting shadows on the water —
as the sun plays on the infantry returning from the sea.
The do-er and the thinker: no allowance for the other —
as the failing light illuminates the mercenary’s creed.
The home fire burning: the kettle almost boiling —
but the master of the house is far away.
The horses stamping — their warm breath clouding
in the sharp and frosty morning of the day.
And the poet lifts his pen while the soldier sheaths his sword.

And the youngest of the family is moving with authority.
Building castles by the sea, he dares the tardy tide to wash them all aside.

The cattle quietly grazing at the grass down by the river
where the swelling mountain water moves onward to the sea:
the builder of the castles renews the age-old purpose
and contemplates the milking girl whose offer is his need.
The young men of the household have
all gone into service and
are not to be expected for a year.
The innocent young master — thoughts moving ever faster —
has formed the plan to change the man he seems.
And the poet sheaths his pen while the soldier lifts his sword.

And the oldest of the family is moving with authority.
Coming from across the sea, he challenges the son who puts him to the run.

What do you do when
the old man’s gone — do you want to be him? And
your real self sings the song.
Do you want to free him?
No one to help you get up steam —
and the whirlpool turns you `way off-beam.

LATER.
I’ve come down from the upper class to mend your rotten ways.
My father was a man-of-power whom everyone obeyed.
So come on all you criminals!
I’ve got to put you straight just like I did with my old man —
twenty years too late.
Your bread and water’s going cold.
Your hair is too short and neat.
I’ll judge you all and make damn sure that no-one judges me.

You curl your toes in fun as you smile at everyone — you meet the stares.
You’re unaware that your doings aren’t done.
And you laugh most ruthlessly as you tell us what not to be.
But how are we supposed to see where we should run?
I see you shuffle in the courtroom with
your rings upon your fingers and
your downy little sidies and
your silver-buckle shoes.
Playing at the hard case, you follow the example of the comic-paper idol
who lets you bend the rules.

So!
Come on ye childhood heroes!
Won’t you rise up from the pages of your comic-books
your super crooks
and show us all the way.
Well! Make your will and testament. Won’t you?
Join your local government.
We’ll have Superman for president
let Robin save the day.

You put your bet on number one and it comes up every time.
The other kids have all backed down and they put you first in line.
And so you finally ask yourself just how big you are —
and take your place in a wiser world of bigger motor cars.
And you wonder who to call on.

So! Where the hell was Biggles when you needed him last Saturday?
And where were all the sportsmen who always pulled you though?
They’re all resting down in Cornwall —
writing up their memoirs for a paper-back edition
of the Boy Scout Manual.

LATER.
See there! A man born — and we pronounce him fit for peace.
There’s a load lifted from his shoulders with the discovery of his disease.
We’ll
take the child from him
put it to the test
teach it
to be a wise man
how to fool the rest.

QUOTE
We will be geared to the average rather than the exceptional
God is an overwhelming responsibility
we walked through the maternity ward and saw 218 babies wearing nylons
cats are on the upgrade
upgrade? Hipgrave. Oh, Mac.

LATER
In the clear white circles of morning wonder,
I take my place with the lord of the hills.
And the blue-eyed soldiers stand slightly discoloured (in neat little rows)
sporting canvas frills.
With their jock-straps pinching, they slouch to attention,
while queueing for sarnies at the office canteen.
Saying — how’s your granny and
good old Ernie: he coughed up a tenner on a premium bond win.

The legends (worded in the ancient tribal hymn) lie cradled
in the seagull’s call.
And all the promises they made are ground beneath the sadist’s fall.
The poet and the wise man stand behind the gun,
and signal for the crack of dawn.
Light the sun.

Do you believe in the day? Do you?
Believe in the day! The Dawn Creation of the Kings has begun.
Soft Venus (lonely maiden) brings the ageless one.
Do you believe in the day?
The fading hero has returned to the night — and fully pregnant with the day,
wise men endorse the poet’s sight.
Do you believe in the day? Do you? Believe in the day!

Let me tell you the tales of your life of
your love and the cut of the knife
the tireless oppression
the wisdom instilled
the desire to kill or be killed.
Let me sing of the losers who lie in the street as the last bus goes by.
The pavements ar empty: the gutters run red — while the fool
toasts his god in the sky.

So come all ye young men who are building castles!
Kindly state the time of the year and join your voices in a hellish chorus.
Mark the precise nature of your fear.
Let me help you pick up your dead as the sins of the father are fed
with
the blood of the fools and
the thoughts of the wise and
from the pan under your bed.
Let me make you a present of song as
the wise man breaks wind and is gone while
the fool with the hour-glass is cooking his goose and
the nursery rhyme winds along.

So! Come all ye young men who are building castles!
Kindly state the time of the year and join your voices in a hellish chorus.
Mark the precise nature of your fear.
See! The summer lightning casts its bolts upon you
and the hour of judgement draweth near.
Would you be
the fool stood in his suit of armour or
the wiser man who rushes clear.
So! Come on ye childhood heroes!
Won’t your rise up from the pages of your comic-books
your super-crooks and
show us all the way.
Well! Make your will and testament.
Won’t you? Join your local government.
We’ll have Superman for president
let Robin save the day.
So! Where the hell was Biggles when you needed him last Saturday?
And where were all the sportsmen who always pulled you through?
They’re all resting down in Cornwall — writing up their memoirs
for a paper-back edition of the Boy Scout Manual.

OF COURSE
So you ride yourselves over the fields and
you make all your animal deals and
your wise men don’t know how it feels to be thick as a brick.

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Dude.

Thanks.

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To Fudda and “the girl”,

Do I believe in True Love? Well, I’ve seen 5 good friends of claim 4 times each that they’re truly in love, so that means I’ve witnessed true love 20 times and I should believe in what I’ve witnessed 20 times, right? right?

Right?

Right.

Right-o, Fudda (I know that’s your MIS nickname, but it sounds better than “Budhi” anyday, so…) saw this girl at my “college” who’s probably in second or even third year and proclaimed forth that “‘Twas I to stayeth tither in thee “college” for twelve months more, verily do I say to you, ’tis girl shalt be’est thine!” or something like that.

Now, I understand the whole notion of ‘Eye of the Beholder’, but the girl in question is one of those “punk babe” characters. Full on with the nose and lip rings and twisted weirdly coloured hair and it beats me how a guy with even half of Fudda’s intelligence can fall for someone like that.

However, since I am his “friend!” it is my duty to do what I can for his “Love”. So, I would like to sing him a song, written by my favorite band – Radiohead! The song is of course, Creep and I’ve taken some liberties with the lyrics.

*ahem*

guitar…

“When you were here before,
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like a pin-cushion,
Your sight makes me cry

You float like a tumbleweed
In an f’d up world
I wish you were normal
You’re so fuckin’ abnormal

But You’re a creep, 
You’re a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here

I don’t care if it’s her,
I wanna have a girl
I want a female body
I want a *ahem* hole

I want you to notice the relief 
when you’re not around
You’re so fuckin’ abnormal
I wish I wasn’t blind

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She’s putting out again
She’s putting out
She pierces pierces pierces …
pierce…

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want (You ain’t getting it ‘coz)
You’re so fuckin’ weird
I wish you were normal

But you’re a creep, 
You’re a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here

I don’t belong here…”

 

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The Debasement of Debating

Before we work on artificial intelligence why don’t we do something about natural stupidity?

Steve Polyak

Techno-Fight. The ACT ’07 technical debate. The topic: “Is Artificial Intelligence a boon or bane” I have rarely not had the misfortune of not having to tolerate debate that was as completely unintelligent as this one was not.

The bloopers: My Life Sciences Prof., Mr. A. K. Trivedi, was a judge (wtf?). The compares announced the designation of the other judge as Dean of ASCO (Amity School of Communication) when she was, in fact, the Director. They then mispronounced the names and stances of almost ALL the participants

“The next participant is Harvinder Singh, who will be speaking FOR the topic.”
“Excusing, but myself being Harshvardhan Singh speaking AGAINST topic.”

And this very turbaned gentleman spoke like a complete dufus. Stutters and grammatical mistakes apart, he had NO concrete points. I raised an audience objection,

“You spoke about how chess computers are now capable of defeating human grandmasters as an example of A.I, but I’m sorry, those computers are still performing algorithms and are superior merely due to higher processing speeds and a greater amount of memory. You never mentioned how self-awareness is the true measure of Artificial Intelligence.”
“NO. I said *insert rubbish here*.”

Frankly speaking, I didn’t get a word of what he was saying. Perhaps the feeling was mutual.

Next speaker, same nonsense. A.I can perform operations and the like; they can do complex jobs that humans are incapable of doing. No mention of self-awareness or consciousness and whether the human brain can actually be decoded and explained by a series of complex algorithms. Same question. No logical answer. I almost gave up.

That was until a certain speaker started using Hollywood (and eventually, the hindi film industry) as her crux.

“How many of you have seen Spiderman: 2?” she shrieked, “Well, unless something is done we will have hundreds of Doctor Octopuses and no Spiderman!”
“Intelligence is not only the brain, but the heart as well!”

Right-o, I thought. Better raise an objection.

“Ma’am, you said that ‘Intelligence is not only brain…’ now, I’m not very good at Medical Science, but I thought that the job of the heart is to pump blood. Emotions are also a prerogative of the brain. If you believe that the brain is a machine, it implies that emotions are also something that can be replicated in machines. If not, what is it that separates logical thinking from emotions?” Not a really good point, I’ll agree, but better than the rest.
“There is a difference between logic and emotion.” She said, giving me hope that there’ll be a logical answer that’ll follow. “Suppose there’s a doctor who has to perform an operation on his daughter. (oh, no!) Will he be able to do it as he operates on strangers? (sounds familiar…) or will his hands shake?”
“Well, “ I replied, logically, I thought, ”If he is a competent Doctor, I assume he will.”
“Ha! But you just said you don’t know Medical Science!! How can YOU answer that?!”

The auditorium was filled with her branch (Electronics and Communication or Biotechnology) and they burst out into applause.

I was agape. I saw another speech, where a dude called Abhijeet raised a valid point, but nobody understood that as well. Pallavi was the only person who mentioned the Turing test, and everybody correlated A.I with a machine’s ability to solve complex problems. The question of self-awareness, consciousness or cognito ergo sum did not even arise.

My friend jerked his thumb over his shoulder and said “Screw”. I took the hint.

“Bane or Boon?”, more like n00bs to me.

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ACT ’07 (Absolute Crappiness? Totally)

A fool who knows his foolishness is wise at least to that extent, but a fool who thinks himself wise is a fool indeed.

Dhammapada

I honestly don’t know why I did it. Logic, commonsense and practicality all dictated that ’tis better to avoid ye ACT ’07, my “college’s” *ahem*, “Techni-cul” fest. Of course, I just HAD to do the opposite. So, there I was, 1100 hrs on Friday the 9th of March at sector-125, Noida. The college was the complete antithesis of what a college ought to look like when it’s having a fest. Silent, deserted and not a single sponsor’s banner in sight. “Crap”, I thought. Anyway, Akhil Garg and I went around to torture ourselves by checking out any event. We planned to catch “Apocalypto” at 1530 and thus, had four hours to kill.

I better inform you’ll in advance, I didn’t participate in anything. Why? It’s simple: I have a standard.

1130: the Quiz! Conscenza, from whose organizing committee I had dramatically walked out seeing that, “They knew quizzing no more than a tealeaf knows the history of the East India Company.” Anyways, the prelims had been conducted on some mysterious date at the deepest darkest recesses of Noida. The quiz actually had judges… oooookaaaaay… The teams had been named after scientists, not a good omen. They started off with three Indians, Bose (I don’t know which one!), Raman and Bhabha. They then realized that they don’t know any more Indian scientists (Chandrasekhar, Sarabhai, CNR Rao etc.?), so they named the last two teams Edison and Newton. Riiiigghhhht… First question to team Bose, “Where is the Pentagon building located?” Team Bose thought carefully and then replied, I kid you not, “USA”. “Correct! 10 points!” I wanted to leave and yet I was also interested in seeing exactly how f’d up can this quiz get. A team was asked, “Where is Greenwich located?” (Note pronunciation: Green-witch). They reply, “Scotland.” “Sorry, minus five, the right answer is UK.” I was out of the auditorium in less than 3.5 seconds, swearing at 40 insults per minute. Decision to quit vindicated beyond the faintest shadow of a doubt.

Met some of my hostel (hostile?) classmates. Our physics sir, Mr. Our-Ass Paan-dey, gave the assignment questions on the evening before our holi break to a dude who is yet to return from his holi vacations. We have to submit it on Monday. He will listen to no excuses. Terrr-ific! A Pepsi later, I returned to the auditorium for the technical debate. The excrement really made physical contact with a hydroelectric powered oscillating air current distribution device this time! It deserves its own post.

Anyway, saw Apocalypto after that. It also deserves its own post.

One Friday completely ruined: Check.

Screwed studying for minors: Check.

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