This is the end… beautiful friend.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I have a confession to make. I am in love. I know it is love as well as I know that I am alive (as of writing this). I know I am in love because all I ever do is think about her. She occupies my mind and my thoughts are an infinite loop, her name plays through my head in multiple repeat. I never feel so as happy as when I am with her. She is a class 10 drug, for everytime I am with her… I get the most unbelievable high anyone can ever experience and when I do not have her by my side I am a shell of my former self. All I want to do at that moment is get back to her. It is truly the most beautiful feeling you can ever imagine. Being in love and being able to look at the beautiful face of the girl you love. Hearing her voice as she speaks and the occasional feel of her body underneath your fingertips as you accidentally brush her hand. Feeling her presence next to you and knowing that the molecules in your body have a connection with the ones in her. It makes you want to shout with joy! You begin to appreciate the glorious thing that is life and become aware of the inherent beauty present in the universe and the knowledge that she is at the center of this beauty… the goddess around whom everything revolves and who is the empress of all that exists. I was happy.Until…

O! Woeful heart! You are destined to always be hurt! All my happiness has but one purpose, to put me on the top of the world only so that when I come crashing down, the fall is as painful as possible! And so it was with me. For all the love I could give her and all the love that I thought is present within her, like an untapped reservoir of emotion which I knew one day will come gushing out for me, she has broken my heart. For now I know, she loves me not! She never did and never will! How? How can this be? Is there no justice in this world? Do I not deserve to be with her because of all the love I can give her? Can’t she see this? Can’t she feel what I feel for her? You hard-heart! Whatever anyone else may have for you, it is nothing compared to how much I want you with me! But no, you choose to not reciprocate the purest and most powerful emotion anyone can ever have for you. The love that I have to offer is larger than the endless realms of the universe, more powerful than the forces that keep everything held together and more the second-most beautiful thing to have ever existed for you are and always have been the first.

I am broken. I am dead. I have nothing left in me, because you were all that was ever in me. I have no mind, heart or soul left in me, because I bequeathed them to you and you refused to acknowledge it. I cannot speak, I cannot think, I cannot eat, drink or sleep. I cannot do anything, because everything that I ever held dear was you and you love me not.

I give up on life. I shall not live, but merely exist as a memory to unrequited love. A memento to how beautiful and terrible a thing love, true love is. I am destroyed. There is nothing left in me.

Farewell all. I shall write no longer, for I know exist as a living being, but my life has been martyred at the altar of my love for her.

Weird, ainnit?

Depression and melodrama seem to be a collective group thing. You see one person down in the dumps and next thing you know BOOM! everyone’s feeling miserable. I was feeling low some time back. Am not fully recovered, but I am better, which is what being depressed is all about.

The reasons behind my mood swinging and the bitterness and stuff are something that never change:

• Career, or lack thereof.
• Paranoia.
• Academics.
• Finances.
• Self-doubt.

Somehow, I have trained myself to refuse to acknowledge anything to do with emotions. I don’t know why I do it, I just do. And in the process, I have trouble figuring out what it is that I feel. I don’t understand a damn thing.

Do you ever have this feeling where the person you really want to see at some moment in time is also the one person you do not want to see at that moment?

But that’s behind me now. At least I hope it is. My 3rd sem results are coming soon. Fuck.

 It’s gonna be… A Glooooooorius Day! I feel my luck could change…

Back but still bloc’d

As any college student who lives away from home is undoubtedly aware, going to see the folks is an enterprise that can clearly be divided into a before and after stage. This is of course subject to the condition that your parents stay in a place that is different from where you were when you last stayed with them. Hence the entire purpose of the visit is to meet Mom and Dad only. Right, where was I?

The before stage, which usually lasts anywhere between a week to two days before you leave to see them; is when you are overcome with feelings of guilt for having done anything that you feel would have compromised your standing in front of them, excitement over seeing them again and a wild and stupid sense of hope that you can convince them to be a bit more charitable while dishing out funds.

The after stage is characterized by your return and a solemn resolve to get wasted, stoned, high beyond belief, blitzed out of your skull, laid and incarcerated, just to prove a point.

This begs the question: What happens in the middle? Why does a visit to the folks make me go even more insane than I am right now? It’s not like I can’t stand them or something. Hell, I’ve tolerated them (and vice-versa) for around 18 years in terms of mere existence, 12 years in terms of personal memories and around 3-4 years in terms of cumulative actual time spent with them.

But parents have no place in your collegiate life. They do not fit in a college-going, idealist, pseudo-intellectual, “I’m-going-to-change-the-world” outlook which we all get after our first semester and that lasts until placement interview time. During this interval, we’re too busy trying to figure out exactly what kind of people we want to be in life. We spend our days trying to “discover ourselves”, perform some intense soul-searching, meditate until we find our true inner spirit – a being unblemished by peer pressure or experience and put to ourselves some of the most profound questions that anyone will ever ask us in our lives:

• Is South Park better than Family Guy?
• Nothing’s going to happen if I take just one more shot of Vodka, right?
• Psst… Ankur… question 4, second part… Kya hai, yaar?
• Ww… Will you… Can you… Can I… take you… on a date? Er… please?

And we also make some very important discoveries that can forever alter our self-image:

• What do you mean fat? Sure, I don’t have toned abs, but I’m not fat!
• (someone else to you) “Dude! You SUCK at CS!”
• Jessica Alba did a sex scene? In 2003? AND I HAVEN’T SEEN IT? I AM NOT WORTHY TO LIVE!!!
• Oh, right! She’s crazy about Daniel Radcliffe, but I scar my forehead on purpose and I’m too masochist! Hypocritical bitch!

This phase ends with, as mentioned before, your placement interview. After getting placed, you begin to start appreciating time spent with Mom and Dad. Even if you never did before. Which is strange, unusual and very freaky, but also something I have personally witnessed first hand. This happy time lasts for around a few months until either:

• You realize that your job sucks. You have no aptitude for it whatsoever and you should never have taken up <insert course here>
• Your pay sucks ass and you’re back to begging for funds from Mom. Or Dad. Or both. Usually both.
• You meet and fall in love with someone whom your family will never accept but you are sure you want to marry this person and no-one else. You take the trouble of convincing them, and once they’re sure that you ought to marry this person and no-one else, you start getting doubts.

Either way, I did my best at being a good little boy this holi. Which is very difficult and I normally can’t maintain the act for longer than a day, but I had a very good reason this time. And I have this weird feeling that I did something really stupid, but I don’t know what it is. I think I’ll find out very soon.

So! I shall return to college and life in Noida/South Delhi/North Campus/CP where I am sure I will be greeted with some bad news, as is customary. I am also missing someone and am looking forward to meeting them soon.

The purpose of the trip has also been achieved! I have a cheque that is to be spent on getting myself a Desktop PC! At last! At the age of nearly twenty! My first computer! That’s right! I never had a computer! Ever! This is my first one! w00t!

Absenteeism

Haven’t had time to do anything. All of a sudden, I have a packed social calendar! I have some commitments to fulfill right now, so the busy days don’t seem to have an end in sight.

But first! I’m going to home # 5 to “celebrate holi” with the folks.

In other news, I finally got to see ‘There Will Be Blood‘. An outstanding work of art and I am now pissed that no theater in Noida has the freaking brains, ‘nads or both to showcase this masterpiece! Though it’s an all-round brilliant effort, this movie rotates around the mind-buggeringly brilliant contributions of four people and it’s really thanks to them that the movie shines so amazingly. They are, in order:

1. Daniel Day-Lewis: What a performance! I am in awe. Whoa! I mean, dude! There are times when a great performance can result in supporting actors’ performances looking mediocre in comparison. His acting made everyone else’s look good.
2. Jonny Greenwood: This is NOT me being a fanboy! While most other composers would’ve tried to make the score some sort of an amalgamation of epic masterpiece suites, Jonny’s was far more freaky, scary and downright brilliant! He deserved every damn ‘Best Original Score’ award there is. But NOOO!!! It’s not “operatic” enough! Too freaky! Too different! Too experimental! Incompetent, short-sighted douchebags!
3. Robert Elswit: Cinematography. He won the Academy Award for this. He deserves it. ‘Nuff said.
4. Paul Thomas Anderson: The Director. It takes an extraordinary director to bring out such an amazing work of art and more importantly, bring out the best in his cast. Which he has.

Anyway, I feel Writer’s Bloc on me. So look to the right. See those pretty links? Click away.

Heaven and Other Places Of Interest

Photo-blogging is apparently the latest fad. Great! Might as well blindly follow this trend as well. The photos have been taken using a Samsung (non-digital) camera. The lack of quality in this set is because I accidentally exposed the film to light and stuff. The other set is much better.

Idiots and their boxes

The Chairman of that organization I’m a part of came up with a list of the 10 Smartest TV Shows of all time. Since it’s a highly personal list, I don’t think that it’s a canon of some sort. Not yet, at least. They were,

Frasier

The West Wing

Boston Legal

Jeopardy!

Cosmos

House

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

All in the Family

Mad About You

M*A*S*H

I’ve seen around 3 of them. And agree. Thought I’d like to add some of my own highly personal choices:

Blackadder

Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Yes, Minister

Scrubs

South Park

The Simpsons

The regretabbles

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only for wallowing in.

I have my fair share of things I regret doing/being involved in. Here are a few:

• Not getting into IIT. Not working hard enough. Wasting my time in the idiotic belief that a mediocre student from India could actually get into a college in the States with a full scholarship! (yes, you can laugh)
• Going to Hyderabad, aged ten. Joining that school I despised.
• Leaving Hyderabad, aged twelve. Leaving that school I despised.
• Experimenting with cigarettes. BIGGEST. MISTAKE. EVER.
• Experimenting with alcohol. 2nd BIGGEST. MISTAKE. EVER.
• Didn’t read enough books.
• Didn’t learn to play a musical instrument.
• Didn’t learn enough programming languages.

These are the only ones I can think of right now.

I wanted to add:

• Thinking that any show of emotionally connecting is a sign of weakness.

But I still think so. Prove me wrong.

Pwn maadi

i keep the wolf from the door
but he calls me up
calls me on the phone
tells me all the ways that he’s gonna mess me up
steal all my children
if i don’t pay the ransom
but i’ll never see him again
if i squeal to the cops

In my case, it’s a Punjabi Infosissy. But this bit of xenophobic (sarcastic, perhaps. but I really don’t care) stupidity shall not go undocumented!

Scene: A phone call. Delhi-ite in Bangalore to a Bangalorean/Hyderabadi in Delhi.

TBB: I’m addicted to ghee roasts! All I eat everyday are ghee roasts!

THF: YOU BASTARD! You complain about eating ghee roasts all the time when I have to survive on chole kulcha! I spit me ‘zem all, ‘zis North Indian cuisine of yours.

TBB: Chole Kulcha at that place in South-Ex is better than Ghee Roasts anyday!

THF: A likely answer! Try something different, then.

TBB: Like what?

THF: Try Bisi Bele Bath. It’s one of my favorites.

TBB: What?

THF: Bisi Bele Bath.

TBB: What the fuck is that?

THF: Bisi = hot. Bele = dal. Bath = rice. It’s really good, trust me.

*silence*

TBB: You’re trying to get me beaten up, aren’t you? You think by making me ask for something in Kannad (with punjabi accent) or Tamil whose meaning I don’t understand, you can get me beaten up or laughed at or both. Well, guess again! I’m sticking to my ghee roasts! If I wanted “hot dal rice”, I would fall sick. I only eat “hot dal rice” when I’m sick.

THF: Bravo. *clap… clap… clap*

By the way, since you put all your trust in human beings… here you go.

Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to… someone or the other

It must be Saturday.

I can never get the hang of Saturday.

They go well. Or weirdly. Sometimes, like today for instance, it’s both.

Woke up late! This is the first weekend I’ve had in a long, long time. The ones till now were ruined by cleaning up after a drunken night with a huge hangover, going to pointless college fests, internals, the trip et cetera. But today was a blank slate. I have nothing to do. Absolutely nothing! Ah!!!

Played basketball after a long time. Dressed like a fool. I couldn’t care less. Had loads of fun.

Met a random person and bought them dinner. Had a nice evening. But… something felt strange. There’s no way to explain it except for an analogy:

It’s like someone’s trying to understand the Standard Model immediately after reading the Copenhagen Interpretation.

Things got weirder:

I got down from the bus at AIIMS and plugged in the mp3 player. It starts off with the lines:

(…) looks like the real thing
Tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

I then walked for an hour from “Rajnigandha Chowk” to ‘ma crib/hizze’ in sector-49, listening to The Bends in album repeat. Usually, I skip three songs (this one, this one aaaanddd… this one). This time I skipped this one.

I feel… unusual.

Intelligence is the ability to articulate one’s stupidity.

Return of the Dragon

As usual, the post title is not merely what it seems. It’s as deep as… something that’s not very deep, but looks shallower than it is, but is, in fact…

Screw it! It’s a reference.

Am back from my hiatus in the Himalayas. I cannot and will not go in Xtreme! to detail as to what happened. Just these notes:

• Kinnaur distrit in Himachal Pradesh is beautiful. We were the ONLY tourists there. There’s no feeling that can possible match up to the one you get as the ONLY tourists in a place that beautiful.
• I got trapped in around six feet of snow. To everyone’s disappointment, I made it out alive with only a frozen arse.
• Manali is OK. Solang Valley is fun. Rohtang Pass is still blocked and hence, so is Lahul-Spiti.
• I couldn’t bear more than half-an-hour of Shimla. *shudders* Terrible. Terrible place.
• I found Chandigarh to be an irresistibly funny place. It’s like a wannabe-city. It’s trying very hard to become Delhi, but… it’s just a wannabe.
• My mind is empty. I thought a lot and came to no conclusions whatsoever. However, it is true: there is something about the mountains that calms you down and allows you to think clearly.

Came back to Delhi and was greeted by burning eyes, a blocked nose and a sore throat. It was an impulsive journey. We barely knew what our plan for the coming day was and just wandered.

Not really into blogging right now. Am quite busy these days (gasp!). My desktop dreams might crash again.

So, how have you guys been?